Livin Mi Life

Nervous

2012-01-28T14:26:00.000Z

I've never been to a funeral. At least not since I was a teenager. All the years I was smoking weed I never dealt with the death of any of my family members or my friends. I've never seen the body of someone I loved put into the ground. In a way I'm glad I haven't because I don't know what to expect but that's also the thing that makes me nervous.
I know God will guide me through this. But that isn't helping with the anxiety. At least not this morning. I pray God will bring me a sense of peace. That He will ease my anxiety.
Only a few more days to get through and then it will be done.

One More Time

2012-01-27T00:51:00.000Z

I wish I had the chance to say I love you one more time to my friends face. That's all I think when I hear this song.I guess the funeral is my opportunity. I love you K.

Watch

2012-01-26T15:06:00.002Z

I just read this in a daily email I get from Fr. Richard Rohr. He quoted it from an unknown source.
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Amen

Can't Handle It

2012-01-25T22:05:00.001Z

I think some people perceive crying and showing emotion as weakness. Actually I don't think it I know it for a fact. They think when people break down it means they are literally broken down. I see it differently...being someone who cries when I feel the need.
I think people who allow themselves to feel what they need to feel at the time they need to feel it are strong. I think the ability to express deep emotions requires great strength. Especially in our culture. A culture where strength is equated with being cold, calculated and disconnected. It's important for those of us who haven't shut down our emotions to show them publicly.
I also think it's important to have control of ourselves. To know when it is appropriate and when it isn't.
I think people perceptions of emotions being showed as weakness keeps many of us apart from the people we love in the end of their lives here on earth.
Sad for the person suffering and sad for those who don't get the chance to say goodbye.

Anger

2012-01-25T04:31:00.000Z

My sadness has given way to anger. I know, logically, that this is normal but it is confusing.
There are some things that I really am mad about but not sure if the level of anger is appropriate.
I will not be reacting or expressing the anger since I am not sure it is real or if my brain is doing anger because I am more comfortable being mad then sad.
There are some things that I will express to friends and my mama in private so as not to offend anyone at this point. I need to say them out loud. Get them off my chest.
Lord help me to feel my true feelings and if this anger is the true feeling help me to deal with it in an appropriate way.
In Jesus name I ask this, Amen.

Disconnected

2012-01-25T00:26:00.000Z

I just returned from a friends house where pictures were being looked at. Pictures from the last few years of their life. I realized how much a part of their life I wasn't. This was by my own choice for the most part but it was a very strange feeling.
This friend and I used to be attached at the hip. We knew everything about each other for the most part. I did not know one person in any of these pictures.
Later in the afternoon my friends father introduced to me to someone as his sons "best friend". I felt like I should correct him. Former best friend. There are obviously other people that he was much closer to then me. And that's OK. As I said this was a choice we both made. We had grown apart.
Just wanted to get this out of my head because I thought about it the whole way home.
I truly am glad he had so many people around him that loved him right up until the end.

Mind's Playin Tricks On Me

2012-01-24T18:15:00.000Z

I find myself obsessing over not having a suit to wear to a funeral I will be attending soon. It is a ridiculous thing to be worried about. I can't control what pops into my head. I can, however, control how I react to the thought. The way I choose to react is that it doesn't matter what I wear it matters that I am there.
My mind is looking for ways to keep me from having to deal with the emotions that will come at a wake and funeral.
I will not give in to my mind.

Different Cry

2012-01-24T03:26:00.001Z

I've cried many times in my life for many different reasons. The bad news that I've received over the last few days elicited a cry from me today that I have never heard from myself before.
I've heard people wailing on news reports before. At funerals or at the scene of the death of a loved one. I always thought it was over dramatized. That it was something that was unnecessary and overly dramatic. I have a better understanding of it now.
I tried to control the cry that emanated from me today but I couldn't. It came from my soul. Deep inside me. There was nothing that would hold it back.
I fear hearing it many more times from myself and friends and family over the next few days.
I shouldn't say fear so much as I dread it.

Bringing Peace

2012-01-22T13:59:00.000Z

I woke this morning, once again, to a manic feeling. Trying to figure out whether or not it's time to leave my current job. Wondering if I need to be doing something completely different, which I vote yes on, or if God wants me to stay in my current profession and just do it in a new place. Whether I should go to the march for life tomorrow or not. Whether or not I should continue working 5 days a week or cut back to 4 long days. Hoping a client that is booked for next Sunday isn't actually supposed to be coming in today. My mind was just buggin out on me.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with my mama last night about her trying to control everything. Trying to do everything perfectly and understand everything. And how that's not really trusting in God. Being rather arrogant and prideful to think that we always know whats best and what to do and how to handle everything.
So I got on my knees and asked God to guide me in all these decisions. I went through them one by one and after I finished praying felt peaceful and centered. ready for my day. Whatever happens God is going to handle it and me.
After I finished the thought occurred to me that maybe I forgot to ask Him to help me with something . The next thought was how unnecessary that is. Like God doesn't already know where we need His guidance. EVERYWHERE in our lives.
Thank you for being with me every morning during prayer Lord. Thank you for the peace it brings me. Help me to remember throughout the day to trust in you and not allow my need to control and manage everything overwhelm me. You got me. I just need to rely on that knowledge and do my thing.

Yet Again

2012-01-22T13:49:00.000Z

Another person that I knew only threw a friend died today. Yet again I have such a strong feeling of sadness for her family. Such strong emotions for someone I barely knew. Something is definitely changing in my life.
When I was smoking weed I had people die that I should have had feelings for and I hardly felt anything. Now that I am off drugs my soul is working properly again. My emotional connection to people is growing stronger.
I'm grateful to God that this is a part of us that never dies. Can't be killed off. It may go dormant but it does come out of that eventually if we want it to.
God rest Jessica's soul.
Thank you Lord for ending her suffering and pain. I ask, once again, that you bring the same feeling of peace to her family and friends that she is now feeling. I also ask that you continue to help me open up my heart to you and to people. In Jesus name I ask this,
Amen.

Just Sit

2012-01-19T04:38:00.000Z

Today I went back to the Franciscan Monastery in NE Washington DC. I walked down into the wooded area on their property. It was a windy cold day. Not the kind of day I'd usually want to be sitting outside but that's what I did. Went down to where there were benches and just sat. Listening to the wind blow through the trees and imagined it was God flying through. God's spirit blowing through the forest. I imagined he could feel the trees brushing against Him as He passed by.
The thought that He just wants us to enjoy the beauty He has created around us is something I heard either yesterday or this morning before I went out. Actually it was this morning on EWTN. Mother Angelica was talking to a woman who said she couldn't always pray when she sat in silence. Sometimes she just felt sleepy. MA said that maybe God just wanted her to sit and be with Him. Or something like that. So that's what I did today. It was beautiful.
I have a tendency to think I always have to be praying to God. Asking Him for something or praying that He will better me in some way. I forget to just be present with Him sometimes. To just sit and be with Him like we do with each other sometimes.

Please Pray

2012-01-16T16:26:00.000Z

I am writing this to request that anyone who reads this please pray for my father.
I want so badly for him to feel God's love.
To feel His presence.
I pray he will see the good in himself instead of the negative.
To learn to accept himself, flaws and all, and understand that flaws don't make him a bad person. They makes him human.
I pray that God will knock down every obstacle and roadblock in his heart. That He will uproot the tangle of his vices. That God will clear a path of grace through his cluttered life and mind so that Christ His son might approach.
I vaguely remember a Bible verse, or group of them, that talks about hills and valleys being leveled to make a path for Christ. At least that's my memory of it. I pray that will happen in my fathers life. That something will level him out enough to even be open to Christ approaching him.
I also pray that Jesus' light will penetrate the darkness that surrounds my dad. That God's light will break through long enough for my father to see it as clearly as me and my mother do. That he will feel the warmth and love emanating from that light. That he will be curious enough about it that he will be willing to take a step out of the darkness and see what it's like to live in the light of God's love.
I ask anyone reading this to pray for my father daily. On behalf of me and my mother we thank you from the deepest part of our soul.
I ask all the things in this post in Jesus holy name. Amen.

Uproot

2012-01-16T15:34:00.000Z

"Uproot the tangle of my vices." This is a small part of a prayer I say every morning that has a huge impact on me.
When I am out weeding the garden in my backyard in the summer there is ivy that grows through my fence from the neighbors yard. I grab it and yank it as hard as I can hoping to kill it but am not able to every get it up from the roots. That is what it's like when I try to fix all the things in my life that need to be corrected. My addictions, anger, hatred, distrust, lust, envy etc.
For example, I can control whether or not I smoke marijuana which is the ivy poking through the fence. However the root of the problem is out of my reach. Or it may be something I don't even see. God is the only one that truly knows why we do what we do. Only He can uproot the vice. The sin.
To become the man God wants me to be I have to learn self control and discipline but I also have to "let go and let God".
Here is the full prayer for anyone that is interested. I did not write this prayer. I am sharing it.

"Almighty Father,
Knock down every obstacle and roadblock in my heart.
Uproot the tangle of my vices.
Clear a path of grace through my cluttered life so that Christ your son might approach.
Amen".

Feelin Him

2012-01-15T23:36:00.000Z

I wrote a post a while back about how I didn't feel anything as far as my relationship with God. After I wrote that post I started feeling it was necessary for me to go to reconciliation/confession. I felt that there were things that were keeping me separated from God. Confessing my sins to God through a priest has had a dramatic impact.
Ever since I reconciled myself I have been going much deeper into prayer. I feel as if I am having a personal interaction with God when I pray. I no longer feel like I am going through the motions. Every prayer I pray now means something. I have a deeper understanding of the words I am praying. I feel emotions rise up in me during prayer that I never felt before.
I'm so grateful for the relationship I have with God. He guides me and I follow...most of the time. I felt compelled to get off drugs and when I did things changed. I felt compelled to start praying more often and when I did things changed. I felt compelled to go to confession/reconciliation and things changed. I am excited to see what else He has to show me.

Steer Me

2012-01-13T15:48:00.000Z

"Steer me from stereotypes and snap judgments Lord Jesus"
This is yet another prayer in a long line of prayers my mama sent me. I've been praying it quite often but ended up concentrating on it this morning. I was blessed with another image created by it in my mind.
I'm driving in a car and there are exits leading off the main road that I'm on. Some to the left and some to the right. They are all exits that lead to stereotypes of people or snap judgements about them. I have to stay on the main road and not allow myself, with God's help and guidance, to exit off into these areas.
I have stereotyped people for a long time. The place I have the hardest time with it is in the car. If I see a member of one group or another and they aren't driving the way I think they should a nasty stereotypical statement will sometimes come out of my mouth. Even though i am alone in the car it is something that has to stop.
With god's help it will

Purify My Heart and Mind

2012-01-09T15:31:00.000Z

"Lord purify my heart and mind". That's how a prayer starts that my mother shared with me many months ago. It appealed to me immediately. I committed it to memory. This morning as I concentrated on that first line I saw an image in my mind. The image of a man sweeping out the corners of my mind ans heart where anger and lust were dwelling. As I prayed the line over and over the image persisted. Then, as I continued, I saw the same man pouring in the Holy Spirit and God's love and grace into the areas where rage and sexual perversion dwelled. With what appeared to be a watering can. Like my heart and mind are a garden He is tending. Which brings to mind a line from another prayer sent by mama. "Remind me that becoming what You want me to be is more like cultivating a garden then chopping down a forest.
One last thing I understood this morning during prayer was why it is important to commit some prayers to memory. When I was reading them I wasn't able to really visualize them and their meaning but now that I have them in my heart and mind I am able to pray them in a more meaningful way. I am able to visualize them more. I can't really explain it any more clearly then that. God will reveal more to me in time I'm sure.
Thank you Lord for being present with me and helping me grow .
Here are the two prayers in full I referenced in my post. I am not sure of who created them. I am taking no credit. Just sharing them.

"Lord purify my heart and mind.
Lead me to pastures Lord and graze with me there,
let Your good spirit guide me,
whatever I do let it be in accordance with your will now and until the end."

"Lord help me to know myself-what I am and what I can become.
Enable me to see the good in me and to rejoice in it; to see the flaws and change them.
Teach me to live with myself, to accept myself.
Remind me that becoming what you want me to be is more like cultivating a garden then chopping down a forest".

Amen

Help Them Sleep

2012-01-07T04:01:00.000Z

My mother has had a hard time sleeping since this has been going on as I'm sure many of Tina's friends and family have as well. I can't do anything to help them except to offer up this simple prayer.Keep in mind I'm no minister or priest when reading it. Forgive me if it isn't very eloquent.
I ask God to allow everyone to rest tonight. Ease their minds. Take away their burdens. Give them a sense of the feeling of peace and serenity that Tina feels. Take away their mental suffering as you have taken away Tina's physical pain. I ask this in our savior, Jesus Christ's name. Amen

Fill The Emptiness With Drugs

2012-01-07T03:06:00.001Z

I think I always feel a little empty after I leave my parents house. After I leave an environment where I am loved unconditionally. Today the feeling is heightened with the knowledge that my godmother died. Someone who also loved me unconditionally. Just as I am.
The urge to just get high and not think about it is strong. "Let's just play games and get high and not worry about it.". I will not give in to the feeling but it is strong. The death of my friend Margie around Christmas and now Tina is something new for me. I've never been sober and dealt with these kinds of feelings. I don't feel anything for a while and then I turn on music and I am overwhelmed with emotion.
It's hard to comprehend the idea that Tina is gone...forever. I will never see her again. At least not until I die. That is no comfort. I am glad she is with God but she isn't with us. That's what I care about now. Not when I will see her again but that I want to be able to see her now. I want to hear her laugh. I want to here her say she loves me.
I don't feel angry. Just jipped. Empty.
I know I need to fill the space with God. He wants to be there. He wants to fill up my empty space. He wants to love me like no one else can. I just have to surrender to Him.
I feel guilty talking about my feelings knowing how much more painful this must be for Tina's family. I won't let the feeling stop me from expressing my feelings.
Smoking weed won't bring Tina back. Won't change the fact that she is gone. That knowledge will keep me from giving in to temptation.
Lord help us all in our time of sadness. Keep those of us with tendencies towards suppressing our feelings with drugs, alcohol or other things from going down that path. Protect us from our selves. I ask this in Jesus name. Amen.

Sad Day

2012-01-06T22:46:00.000Z

My godmother passed away today after a long drawn out illness. As I drove home today from my vacation I was torn. Part of me prayed that God would let her hold on long enough for me to see her one more time. Part of me wanted Him to end her suffering and let her finally rest in peace. Thankfully He did what He knew was best.
I'm so grateful that God allowed me to spend Christmas with her and her family.
I'm grateful that I sobered up and was able to be there with her and make up, as much as is possible, for all the time we lost.
I'm grateful to have a connection to her children and husband, godfather and godsister and brother as far as I'm concerned, that will never die.
I'm grateful that my mother had such a wonderful friend to share her life with.
I'm grateful for her sense of humor and true love for me.
I'm grateful that I will see her again someday and spend all eternity with her.
Thank you Lord for ending her suffering. Thank you for the time you allowed us to have with her. Please take her hand and receive her into Heaven. Bless her family and ease their suffering. Show us all how to live the lives she would want us to live. I ask this in Jesus name. Amen
I'll miss you Tina.
Love you forever...

Blessing

2011-12-31T17:13:00.000Z

Blessings come in many different forms and what may not be a blessing in our eyes may be in other peoples.
The most recent blessing for me was getting to spend Christmas with my Godmother and her family. I hadn't been able to see her since she got out of the hospital many months ago. It was like old times. Good laughs, good company. It was great seeing her and her family together.
This morning i found out the she is in a coma and unable to breathe on her own. She will be taken off the ventilator in 2 days and will likely pass away. This is a blessing. Maybe not to those of us who love her and will miss her. But to someone who has been suffering for so long it may be a beautiful blessing of relief from her pain.
Another friend of mine passed away recently after a long fight with cancer. I am sad she has left this world as are her family and friends. But her suffering has ended. I believe she is with God. I feel it in my heart. I've never been so sure of anything like this before she died. I can almost see it in my mind. It's a beautiful thing.
Please pray for my Godmother and my friend M as well as there families. We are suffering but they no longer are. Thank God.

Why I Weep/Hard Hearted

2011-12-26T15:59:00.000Z

I woke up this morning feeling cold hearted. Hard hearted. Feeling like I didn't want to read the Bible or pray today. I describe it as cold/hard hearted because for a while I was waking in the morning and immediately thinking how grateful I was to God for the day and keeping me through the night. It was a very warm/soft feeling. I haven't felt that much lately.
I decided to finish watching one of Dr. Stanley's sermons from a few weeks ago while I exercised. He started talking about how He sometimes weeps and the reason he believes it happens. As he talked I felt the warmness return to my heart.
He described how he starts weeping sometimes seemingly for no reason. He said it was confusing to him. He eventually came to understand that it was God giving him the awareness of His holy presence. He said "I just know He's there". That the feeling is "God just loving me. He closed with "If we make ourselves available for the Lord to show up and just love on us and remind us how good He is and realize why we should be seeking Him. Because He's seeking us. It's God working."
This is the only time I've heard someone discuss this kind of thing happening. It softened my hard heart this morning.

Whole New World

2011-12-25T06:01:00.000Z

I am writing this early in the morning on Christmas. I just found out a friend of mine passed away. Someone I felt very close to though I never actually met her or spoke to her. It shows how much our world has changed and how much easier it is for us to impact each others lives.
I heard about my friend M through a friend, L, I made through YouTube. When I started making videos for YouTube i never though I'd actually consider anyone i met on there a friend. L was one of the first to break through that wall I had put up.
She told me about M and the suffering she was going through with cancer. I asked my mama to pray for her and we both began sending cards. Over time we both began to feel closer to her.
Last week my friend L let me know that M took our cards and a cross that my mama sent her to the hospital with her.
Tonight when I received word she had passed on , peacefully thank God, I felt a sense of loss I didn't expect considering I've never met her. Interesting how connected we become even without any physical connection.
I am so grateful for the world we live in where we can learn of someones suffering who were likely to never meet, do small things to help, and receive such a feeling of love back.
Rest in peace my friend M. I look forward to meeting you in Heaven one day.

Stepping Into Heaven

2011-12-19T16:57:00.000Z

I was answering email this morning and was feeling a bit cold. I live in a basement apartment so I didn't really pay attention to it as I am used to it. I got up and got in the shower and when the warm water hit me it made it more clear how cold I was in the first place. I think that's what it will be like to go to Heaven and be in Gods presence. We are in His presence here on earth, in a different way, and though we feel it here I think the feeling we have once we are in Heaven will be so different as to feel like the difference between cold and hot. Summer and winter.
This popped into my head as soon as the warm water enveloped me. This is the difference between having an intellectual relationship with God and having a relationship with Him in our hearts. The difference between knowing Him in our minds and in our souls.
I love how God speaks to me. Such a blessing.

Picture In My Mind

2011-12-19T16:15:00.002Z

My mother sent me a couple prayers over the last couple weeks. Praying them together this morning created a picture in my mind of how God uses us and how our vices and sin makes it more difficult for Him to do so.
Here are the prayers.
"Almighty Father, Knock down every obstacle and roadblock in my heart. Uproot the tangle of my vices. Clear a path of grace through my cluttered life so that Christ your son might approach. Amen."
"Jesus, Light of the world, thank you for sending me forth into the world to be your light. Help me to put aside all that prevents me from letting your light shine through me. "
Now for the image this created in my mind.
There are people that are living in a cave. A gully. Somewhere that they are not able to see the sun, God, directly. We, as Christians, are a mirror. If we are right with God we can angle ourselves, mirrors, into the gully or cave to reflect God's light into the cave for them to see. Our vices and sins are like a tangle of vines covering the mirror preventing the true light of God from being seen by those in the darkness.
If anyone knows who wrote these prayers let me know so I can give them proper attribution please.

A Forgotten Blessing

2011-12-15T18:48:00.000Z

My mama sent me an email today with a post in it that helped me see yet another blessing God has brought into my life since i quit smoking weed.
I used to have a horrible time sleeping. Right as I would get ready to close my eyes for the night my brain would go into overdrive. It was like a switch was flipped on in my head. I would start obsessing over haircuts I had done that day or my dogs health or something I had to do over my weekend. Worry, worry, worry. It was painful as I would lay awake for an hour or two sometimes. My father has similar problems so I figured it was just something in my genes. I'm just realizing today I don't have that problem anymore.
I think part of it was paranoia from smoking so much weed all the time. I think another part of it was me trying to have control over every little aspect of my life. I find myself trusting God more and more. Knowing in my head and heart that He is in control no matter how much I choose to worry about. And I do believe, in my case, it is a choice to a certain extent. When I start to get anxious I think to myself "God has it" and the obsessive thought usually diminishes rather quickly.
All I can say is thank you God for all you do in my life. I truly am grateful.

The Past Bubbling Up

2011-12-15T18:07:00.000Z

I made a video recently about people saying that child molestation destroys the victims life. I said how angry it makes me to hear someone say that someone is destroyed by it when I wasn't destroyed. In response to the video a friend of mine sent me a list of reactions that people have to being abused. Here it is. "depression, anxiety, social anxiety, problems with intimacy, difficulty setting appropriate boundaries, trust issues, post-traumatic stress disorder, addictions, sexual problems (either hyper-sexual or hypo-sexual- sometimes not comfortable being touched at all) ....". I kind of laughed it off at the time she sent it because I could say yes to all of these but over the last day or so I have been thinking about it more and finding myself laughing less.
Part of me feels like I am over it as far as I truly have forgiven the person that did it to me. I feel no negative feelings toward them anymore. But part of me wishes this never happened to me. Who knows what kind of life I would have had if I was left to develop without that being part of my life. I try to spin it into something that made me who I am and I accept it but it makes me so sad sometimes.
I never really acknowledge it. I've never trusted anyone in an intimate relationship. I have a hard time trusting women. I don't trust most men at all. Any man that cares for me I suspect he wants something from me. I have men offer to be my friends and I immediately recoil from the offer. I am trying not to do that anymore but it is such an uncomfortable thing for me. Most of the male friends I have I have pushed away
The way I'm dealing with this is to let the people who love me tell me so even though it makes me feel weird. I figure the only way to get past a feeling is to let myself feel it and eventually I'll get used to it.
Something my mama said that also helped me understand is that I have to love myself to be able to love others and to feel comfortable with people loving me. Not quite sure how to do that but I'm open to the idea.
Feels like this is something I have to turn over to God. Only He knows what needs to be healed in me and I trust in His own time it will happen.

Hardening

2011-12-14T14:31:00.000Z

I feel my heart hardening. I don't exactly know how to describe it. I don't notice it until I see or hear something that I consider soft, tender or loving. Something I consider to be representative of God and His love. This song did it for me this morning. Made me feel good and realize how much I've changed in the last few months. I know it's something that can be dealt with now that I am acknowledging it. Just needed to get it out into the open and out of my head. Thanks to my friend Erin for sending me this this morning.

Spiritual Desolation

2011-12-05T03:54:00.000Z

A friend of mine asked me yesterday why I hadn't been posting on this blog recently and part of my answer was that I had been feeling disconnected from God. I have been having a hard time praying . A very hard time concentrating on the Bible and other Christian books and material I have been reading. I miss the feeling I had when I first quit smoking weed. I was motivated and excited to learn about my faith and get closer to God. Almost like a spiritual high. that feeling has diminished over time and over the last couple of months almost completely left me.
I started wondering what I was doing wrong. Was what I felt real or was I just high from stopping getting high? Is this the way I will feel forever? Will I ever understand the Bible? Why even bother reading it if I don't understand it and if I don't read the Bible why even pray? The Christians, of different denominations, I talk to seem to have a very deep loving relationship with God and I just don't feel that way. They seem to long to get closer to Him and feel close to Him where I sometimes feel I am doing it because it's what I am supposed to do. Not that I hate it but I don't feel the joy that I perceive these friends of mine do.
Tonight I got home and turned on EWTN, The Catholic Network, and there is a teacher on talking about the concept of spiritual desolation. The first thing I heard deep inside of me was that it is normal to feel this way sometimes and that the challenge is to keep it from altering our view of the past or future of our spiritual lives. That desolation can be like sunglasses in that when we look at our past and future it makes everything look dark. This made me feel better almost immediately.
The feelings I've had over the last many weeks have clouded my memories of what I know was a feeling of being close to God in the recent past and it made me see the future in a very dark depressing way.I think this is another example of why feelings are dangerous. I know God promised He would never leave me but I FEEL like He has.
Some of the other things the priest in this show said that have helped me are:
-That spiritual desolation leads to universal negatives. If I pray and feel distracted it's not that it didn't go well today it's that it will never go well again.
-"What desolation will do is take the current moment of discouragement and universalize it. "
-"The voices that we hear in our hearts during discouragement are lies."
-"Desolation presents itself as our spiritual identity." The idea that if I finish praying and feel nothing I hear in my head that I am not close to God. If I struggle with prayer my mind says "you are someone who doesn't love prayer."
-"In time of desolation never make a change but be firm and constant in the proposals and determination in which one was the day preceding the desolation..."
The episode was called "Living The Discerning Life". It helped me tremendously. It was on just when I needed to see and hear the message. Thank you Lord.

Deceived

2011-11-16T18:20:00.000Z

Those of you that hate the Pope or the Catholic Church won't like this.
Something my mama just sent me... "Make Christ, the Son of God, the centre of your life. But let me also remind you that following Jesus in faith means walking at his side in the communion of the Church. We cannot follow Jesus on our own. Anyone who would be tempted to do so "on his own", or to approach the life of faith with kind of individualism so prevalent today, will risk never truly encountering Jesus, or will end up following a counterfeit Jesus."
I responded..."I'm seeing that more and more. Counterfeit Jesus is the devil I believe. He's quite the trickster. The religious community has done the world a disservice by defining the devil so narrowly as evil instead of the less good he usually shows up as."

9 Month Anniversery Exposes The Truth

2011-11-15T14:58:00.000Z

Yesterday was my 9 month anniversary of being off drugs. I did allow myself to celebrate the accomplishment but at the same time I am realizing how many other issues were being covered up by using weed. The things I need to work on now are exposing why I so badly need Gods help.
My anger, which I had a much better handle on for a while, has been flaring much more often lately. This morning in particular.
Controlling smoking was rather easy in comparison to getting my anger under control. Anger isn't something I can just make myself not buy or not have in the house like weed. It is something that just happens. It's something that happens in my brain. I, unfortunately, can't control what happens in my mind. I can't stop the feeling of rage I feel sometimes. I hate the feeling but I give in to it. I try to control reacting to the feeling but it feels almost impossible sometimes.
I also can't control the sexual thoughts I have. I can't control where my mind goes when I hear simple comments and phrases. My mind is filled with ...smut for lack of a better word. Exposing myself to pornography and sexual innuendo and humor for so long has made it to where sex is in my head all the time. I can be reading a Bible verse and the way something is worded makes my mind dive back into the gutter. It makes me sad that I can be reading something that is supposed to be so uplifting and beautiful and my mind will turn it into something perverse.
These two issues are helping me better understand why I need God to heal me. I can't fix this on my own. I just can't. I wish I could. I hear in my head I wish I was stronger. But I think God wants us to need Him. God allows things to happen in our lives knowing they are gonna lead us to being closer to Him. There's no way I can heal myself the way God can.
I want to be able to hear the words "get on your knees" from a pastor or while reading the Bible and not have a sexual thought pop into my head. I want my dog to have a rough morning and me feel compassion for him instead of getting angry. I want to get in the car just ONE DAY and not say something horrible and nasty to someone.
When I go to my parents house this holiday season I think I need to take a couple more steps towards becoming the man I need to be. I think I'm gonna go to confession. I feel I need it. I need to clear out my soul. I haven't been in over 20 years. It's time. It's time to get these things right with God. The thought scares me but I know by now that doing what scares me is usually best.
It's been 9 months since I threw my weed crutch away. I never realized how hard walking without it would be. I expected to limp a little but I didn't expect to be stumbling around and falling as much as I have.

"He Who Hears You Hears Me"

2011-11-11T14:14:00.000Z

I put up a very angry foul video on my YouTube channel last night about Joe Paterno and the child sex abuse allegations at Penn State university. I woke up this morning and my mama had sent me this simple verse. "He who hears you hears Me" Luke 10:16.
I have to start thinking that way on a more regular basis. Everything I say I should think of as it is coming directly from God. Especially since I am a Christian/Catholic. I am a representative of God in the world. There aren't many of us out in the open about our faith anymore. God doesn't need His representatives out here being as foul and hateful as some non believers. If I saw the way I behave sometimes from the perspective of a possible future Christian there is nothing about my behavior that would make me want to be closer to God.
This is yet another step in my evolution as a Christian.
Thanks mama for making me aware of it without even knowing how timely your words are.

Sweet Love

2011-11-01T20:10:00.001Z

The song "Sweet Love" by The Commodores has always made me emotional. I always have a strong reaction to it. I am sitting here listening to it this afternoon and when it got to a certain part I started to cry. I cried because it was the first time I really heard the lyrics. Heard them in my soul.
"I know your searchin,
I know your searchin,
For a little love,
A little peace,
And understanding,
And I know it's been hard,
Trying to find your way,
But you got to keep on searching,
Harder,
Day by day,
Cause it's love,
Love's the only way."
I know this may sound funny to some people but several things went through my mind when I heard this.
First I thought of how I am trying to grow in my relationship with God. And how it's so hard sometimes. But I have to keep at it. No matter how it feels sometimes.
Then I thought, surprisingly, that I wonder if God wants me to be in a relationship. If He wants me to be married. And if He does I am open to it if that's what He wants for me.
Then I thought of how uncomfortable I am with men wanting to be my friends. A friend from YouTube just asked if it would be OK if he sent me something in the mail. It immediately made me uncomfortable and then sad that I can't accept the same friendship from men as do from women.
I don't know how all of this is connected but it all came to me at once so I figured I'd write it down and maybe it'll make sense later.

Comments

2011-10-31T18:48:00.000Z

Sorry to say because of hateful comments or people using the comment section to advertise I will no longer be allowing comments to post without me reviewing them first. I will review them the same day they are posted so I would say that all should be posted within 24 hours.

My First Night With God

2011-10-24T03:03:00.000+01:00

I do not go to church. I say this not to brag but because it is something I am not satisfied with in my life. I feel God asks us to spend just one day out of seven with Him. Just one. Doesn't seem like it is to much to ask from our personal Lord and creator. And I personally don't believe He just wants us to spend an hour in church and then go home and veg out the rest of the day. I believe He wants it to be a day where we hang out all day and get to know each other better. A day where we strengthen our bond and commitment to one another. I also think He wants it to be a day where we strengthen our bonds with other believers. That's the part I am not quite up to doing yet.
Not only do I not attend church services but I work. This is totally out of alignment with what I believe God wants from me. So until I choose a church and start attending services I have decided that after work on Sunday is time for me and God to be together. No video games. No watching TV or movies. I just want it to be me reading the Bible, praying and reading the religious literature I have. I have a desire to be more knowledgeable about my faith so I need to make the time to study His word and read some of the many books I have on faith and our relationship with God and the world around us.
Tonight is the first night and I feel emotional. Like I am doing what God would have me do. Like He is pleased with me.

Giving Thanks

2011-10-21T04:33:00.000+01:00

I realized while responding to comments on a video about Lenny's health tonight that I haven't been showing my gratitude for God's blessings lately.
Lenny was diagnosed with cancer about 3 years ago and I was told he wouldn't live much longer. They were wrong. Since then he's had 3 other surgeries. He's recovered from all of them. His recent problems seemed to be insurmountable but he pulled through again. I realized tonight how many people I have praying for both Lenny and I. I also realized how long it's been since I have publicly thanked God for blessing me and my buddy.
I know many of my friends don't believe God has anything to do with it. Lenny is just "lucky". I also know some of them get angry wondering why God would help Lenny but not a starving child or an abused person. I can't answer that but I am grateful for all He has done for me whatever the reason.
He blesses me daily. From waking up and being able to see and communicate to having a way to make money and support myself. From the health of my fiends and family to the roof over my head. From the rain in the mornings to the beauty of the wind chilled afternoons.
Thank you Lord for everything you do. From the smallest things you do for me to giving me more time with my little buddy. I am grateful.
I don't deserve it but I am eternally thankful for it.

Mind Blowing

2011-10-20T16:15:00.000+01:00

My mother sent me a post this morning from Roy Lessin called He Hold You. After reading it I thought about what an amazing God we have. Our God who created the universe. Who created our complex bodies and minds and breathed life into us. Who put all the animals and other life on the planet. To think that the God who did all that wants to have a relationship with us as individuals is mind blowing.
He loves as individuals. He knows us better then we know ourselves. He allows us the freedom to make choices, good and bad, for ourselves. He wants to be our friend who we can come to with our fears, concerns and problems. He wants to commune with us. He truly wants us to be happy. It's amazing.
Here's the post mama sent.

He Holds You

By Roy Lessin

God never leaves you alone…

He never forgets about you…

He looks out for you and takes care of you.

You are more important than the birds

He feeds and provides for.

Trusting Him means to rest in Him

as your shield, your covering, your provider,

your defender and your friend.

It means freedom from worry, anxiety and fear.

It means peace to your mind and joy to your soul.

Come to Him; He is waiting…

Lean on Him; He is strong…

Talk to Him; He is listening…

Depend on Him; He will never let you down.

He holds you within the hollow of His hands

to keep you close…to keep you safe…

to deliver you from all your fears.

What Am I Afraid Of?

2011-10-18T15:11:00.000+01:00

I posted a video yesterday about crucifixes being banned in some schools. A friend sent me a post she wrote a while back as a response that got me thinking.
I've had a habit of avoiding reading anything that has to do with the way I love my life that isn't from a Christian perspective. I was afraid of what type of influence it might have. That it might somehow draw me away from God. Away from my faith. But after reading my friends post the thought I had is that God inspires everyone. Not just Christians.
If a Buddhist or Muslim says something that inspires people to live a more loving, generous, caring life why would that lead me away from God? I think maybe the thought was that God would only reveal such things to a believer and that if a Non Christian had something to say that touched me deeply that it might be that the person came up with it on their own and didn't need God.
Anything that I perceive might lead me away from God scares me. Today I learned that one of the reasons God put us here was to be inspired by each other. Catholic by Protestant. Jew by Muslim. Human by human.
Thank you Lord for helping me understand.

Perspective

2011-10-17T17:11:00.000+01:00

Last week I almost had to put Lenny to sleep. He was in so much pain and so physically ill it was too much to put him through in my mind. Over the last week we stopped all his meds and he has gotten much better. His illness last week has given me a new perspective.
Last week I was willing to put him through a lot just to extend his life. After seeing what he was going through I have now decided it is more important for him to enjoy whatever time he has left then it is to extend the time he is here with me.
It's not a happy thought that he may not be able to walk much longer because his legs in the back are getting very weak. It is a happy thought to think he may get some enjoyment out of whatever time he has left.
Thank God this has become clear to me before I put him through anything else.
I love my little buddy enough to do whats best for him not what I want or is best for me.

There's Something About The Fall

2011-10-17T15:53:00.000+01:00

It seems in my life most of the major changes I've made in my life begin in the fall or winter. I don't know what it is but there is something about going into a cooler darker time of the year that motivates me to get back on track in my life. I am finding that I am not alone in this.
Over the last month and a half the number of people writing to me about getting off marijuana has at least doubled. I'm not sure if it is because of the change in seasons like it is with me or if it's just that my videos are getting more exposure. Either way there seems to be change in the air right now for many people.
What a blessing it is to get up in the morning and be able to offer someone the hope they need to get their life in order. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Thank God for the life I've lived. There is no way I'd be able to help people the way I'm helping them without having been through it myself.
I never thought that the mess I had made of my life could serve such a great purpose. God is truly amazing. It's so heartening to know that everything I go through daily serves a purpose and can be used by God for so much good. It's not always easy to see it at the time but that thought sticks in the back of my mind.

Grateful

2011-10-11T19:49:00.000+01:00

I'm grateful that God has put me in a position to help so many people who are trying to end their addiction to marijuana. The videos I've put on YouTube about my addiction bring me questions and comments almost weekly. Sometimes full of hatred but usually asking for help.
If I had not been addicted I would not be able to help these folks. Good thing for me to remember. I may not know why I am living a certain way or going through something at a particular time but I should always have faith that God will use it in some way at some point.

One Door Closes...

2011-09-29T16:36:00.000+01:00

In a couple weeks I was supposed to be on a retreat. Something I was excited and nervous to do. Right after Lenny injured his leg I cancelled it realizing that this just wasn't the time. I wasn't completely sure I made the right decision until yesterday morning.
I realized, while in the shower, that I would have been be preparing for the retreat at this point if I were still going. Dealing with that at the same time I have to deal with Lenny's issues and with my participation in a pilot for a TV show would have been extremely stressful. Stressful to the point of missing out on the entire purpose of the retreat for myself. It makes me feel even more secure in the decision I made.
There is no way Lenny could have made the trip to my parents house, where he was to stay while I was on the retreat, at this point with the amount of pain he is in. There is also no way my parents would have been able to give Lenny 2 shots in the week I would have been gone. It is not an easy process. He does not just lay there and take it. This morning I had to forcibly flip him on his side to give him the injection.
I'm sure another opportunity will present itself down the road but I feel I made the right decision at this point.
When one door closes God opens another.

Mixed Emotions

2011-09-29T16:02:00.000+01:00

I don't remember a time in my life quite like the one I am experiencing right now. I've never had something going on that was so exciting and positive and something kind of sad at the same time.
Lenny, my dog, has been having many problems since his knee replacement exactly 2 months ago today. His knees seemed to be fine and then he started having problems walking. Neither of his back legs support him very well anymore. He also got an infection. In the last two weeks he has become much more sensitive to noise to the point where he runs away if a gnat or mosquito gets near him. It's up and down as far as how he is doing. One day fine the next day not so much. Yesterday he was OK when we went to bed. In the middle of the night I woke to him trembling. He sleeps next to me on my bed and I could feel his whole body shaking. I just held him until he seemed to cal m down and fall back to sleep. It's sad as it seems there is nothing we an do to make him feel better anymore.
The balance to this sad news is the success I am starting to experience from my YT channel. I recently found that some of my videos have been featured in a segment called The News Remixed which is shown on local FOX news broadcasts. Those segments have led to me being asked to participate in a pilot for a TV show. Last night I received the topics I am to discuss in my small portion of the show. I also was asked by a student to be interviewed about something I discussed in another video I made and then my interview will be transcribed so it can be used as part of a play.
I've never had such a mix of good and bad going on in my life at the same time before. There are two positive things I've noticed . One is that the sadness I feel for my dog is kind of keeping me from getting overly excited about the progress I am making in my online endeavor. Helping me keep things in perspective. The other is that I am not allowing the negative aspects of Lenny's health issues to dominate my mind to the point where I am not able to be excited at all for the forward progression I am experiencing.
This is a huge change from the way I was while I was smoking weed where one bad bit of news or one complication in my life would dominate my mind and ruin my day.
I'm grateful to God for leading me out of drug addiction.
I'm grateful to God for presenting me with the opportunities in my life to do what I want to do.
I'm grateful to God for helping me deal with Lenny's issues in a way that doesn't completely dominate my mind and life.
Thank you Lord for everything You do for me.

Self Deprication Versus Humility

2011-09-19T14:10:00.000+01:00

I just finished reading this and it had an immediate impact on me. I often put myself down in an effort to stay humble. This helps me understand that being and humble and being self deprecating are not the same thing. Here's the link to the Loyoal Press website that I got this from.

Daily Inspirations

Monday, September 19

No one who lights a lamp conceals it with a vessel or sets it under a bed; rather, he places it on a lampstand so that those who enter may see the light.
—Luke 8:16

Self-deprecation says, “My gifts are nothing.” Genuine humility says, “Whatever gifts I may have are from God, and are for spending. What I can give may be small, but the world needs it.”

Ezra 1:1–6
Psalm 126
Luke 8:16–18

Remembering The Reason

2011-09-15T20:27:00.000+01:00

I was looking through all my old games the other day and realized I'd lost sight of why I was getting rid of some of my material possessions.
I was standing there thinking how I may want to play some of my video games again on my days where I have nothing else to do. And oh I might want to watch my old movies too. And oh what about if it snows I might get bored. Then I layed down on my bed and looked at all the books I have that I want to read. I remember how I want to have a greater understanding of the Bible and why I believe what I believe. And I realized I should never really have a time where I have "nothing to do".
I also forgot that God wants me to have less attachment to all these things. And the only way, right now, for me to truly cut my connection to all these material possessions is to get rid of them.
The message I heard in my head right after I quit smoking weed was very clear. Get rid of them. I realize trying to sell them all and get a good price is an excuse I am using to not do what I believe I have been told to do.
I reason that I need the money to help pay bills when I know in my heart that God will continue to provide me what I need to live and get out of debt.
I know many of the people around me don't understand why I feel the need to do this but it is very clear to me and I know God would not lead me to do something unnecessary.
I'm glad to have my clarity of purpose coming back. Now to do something with it.

How Much Do You Love God?

2011-09-15T16:36:00.000+01:00

When I woke up and turned on the TV the other day EWTN, the Catholic channel, was on. There is a show with a nun named Mother Angelica. I don't usually watch her show but I just left it on in the background as I got ready to head out.
I don't remember specifically what the topic of discussion was but she said something that caught my ear and has been stuck in my head ever since. Speaking on loving God she said "how do I know how much I love God. The priest responded you love God as much as the neighbor you love the least.".
Compassion and love are two things I have a very difficult time with. I have gotten pretty good of letting go of major grudges in my life it's the small petty things that are the hardest for me.
I got in a brief argument with a neighbor of mine many years ago and though I don't walk around angry over it I do little petty things to keep it going.
When it snows I will shovel more then just the sidewalk in front of my own house but I stop right where her part of the sidewalk starts. When the seeds from the tree in front of my house fall off in the spring I sweep all the way down the sidewalk until I get to hers. It's petty and immature. I feel some sense of satisfaction from it though...or I wouldn't keep doing it.
She's who I thought of when I heard what Mother Angelica said. I'm considering putting a note in her mailbox apologizing just to clear the air.
It's interesting to me that I can forgive people who have committed major transgressions against me but won't let go of something so trivial.
God help me be more compassionate and kind. Help me to let go of things that bring me down. Help me to forgive others as I would ask you to forgive me.

Bringing Light To Darkness Literally

2011-09-13T20:45:00.000+01:00

I can't imagine living in literal darkness. Thanks to this man many people don't have to anymore. Inspiring.

Comments From An Outsider

2011-09-05T18:28:00.000+01:00

I put up a video today asking my subscribers who are black/hispanic whether or not my opinions on race would bother them as much, as they seem to, if I were a different color. One of the responses I got was that a lot of black people question anything about their race coming from an outsider. I think advice from outsiders is underrated. The following is my response to the email I got from my friend/subscriber.
"I comment often, on racial issues, because I am friends with mostly black people and hear about these issues often living in DC and working in a salon where there are all different types of people getting their hair done. . I know I am still an "outsider" but I truly believe sometimes people on the outside can offer a different perspective then people dealing with the problem. I get advice about addiction from non addicts. I get advice on dealing with being molested from people who haven't been molested. I get advice from people on dealing with anger from people who aren't angry themselves. And a lot of the time what they say, though it irritates me at the time I hear it, ends up being a least partially true and helpful a lot of the time."
We all have to learn to listen to the content of what someone says and not hear it through the prism of their skin color. It is hard to do. I have a hard time myself sometimes. If we don't I truly believe things will continue to go down hill as far as race relations.

Work

2011-09-05T17:15:00.002+01:00

Work without love is slavery.
It is not what we do,
but how much love we put into it.

Bl. Teresa of Calcutta, 20th century

Better Understanding The Loss On 9/11

2011-09-05T16:04:00.000+01:00

As I watched this video this morning I became very emotional. Just before watching it I was looking at some old pics my mom sent me of her parents and her as a child. These two things together gave me a different understanding of what went on that day for the people who lost loved ones.
My mom lost her mother at a young age and her father died a few years ago. I imagine it is very different for her looking through old pictures of her family knowing they are no longer here then it is for me having the same knowledge but being somewhat disconnected from the loss.
My memories of 9/11 revolve around all the chaos and fear that day. The images of people jumping to their deaths and knowing how many perished on the flights and in the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I think watching those things happen from a detached perspective is very different from knowing your family member died in those buildings or on those planes.
I am not sure what I am trying to say is very clear. My point is I think when I watch the towers fall or see the smoldering rubble from the Pentagon in the future I'll have a different perspective. Instead of only thinking about how scary it was for me I will be better able to understand the impact it had on the families of those who died that day. The people that see those images and are reminded that they will never see their family members again in this life.
I am grateful for this new understanding of my mothers loss and the loss of families that day.

Pulled Back

2011-09-04T02:34:00.000+01:00

I have been off weed for more then 6 months now. I am happy with how little temptation I have to use it. Of course that doesn't mean there aren't other things trying to creep in to take it's place.
I was watching a show recently about addiction and they described how the devil allows us a certain amount of control over things in the beginning of using them so we drop our defenses and then they can take hold. It kind of irritated me because I recently went out to dinner with a friend and we had a couple drinks. I was happy afterwards because I was able to control my alcohol intake and not get drunk. Hearing this preachers words reminded me that I have to be very careful because addiction starts small. A little alcohol can lead to a problem for me very easily seeing as how I used to drink to the point of blacking out. I'm glad this seed was planted in my mind so I can consider whether it's worth risking a relapse into addiction to have a little drink. I think even calling it a "little drink" is dangerous for me.
The other thing that's creeping in is video games. I've played them for years. I was afraid after quitting weed they wouldn't have any appeal for me anymore but that hasn't happened. In the last 6 months I have done a great job with controlling myself as far as only playing on certain days. But this is the time of year the "blockbuster" games come out. I am finding myself wanting to stay in the house on my days off and play all day.
It became clear to me that a problem may be developing for me when a friend asked me to do her a favor recently and in my head I thought "NO! I want to play!". Sounded like a little kid. That's my little addict personality.
These video game worlds distract me form God's work and the beautiful world He has created for us to experience and enjoy. I know this. Maybe I need to get back into my regimen of spending at least one of my days off out in nature. That was doing me good but I let it slip away. So easy for me to get distracted.
God please help me stay focused on the work You have for me. Please help me keep my wits about me when it comes to the distractions. Help me become more focused and help me to be willing to let go of the things in my life You don't want there. I sometimes feel I need to pull out of this world for a while until I can become stronger in my faith. If that's what you want from me I am willing to do it though it scares me. I know you always have my back and will never leave me alone but the thought of completely letting go still scares me. I've fought for so long to feel I have some control in my life. Now I feel that's exactly what I have to give up to be closer to You.
Please give me strength Lord.
Guide me.
In Jesus name,
Amen.

Anticipation

2011-09-02T01:56:00.000+01:00

I have always been someone who likes to anticipate things. Look forward to things. I realized a while back that I am actually somewhat addicted to anticipating things. So much so that once I get the thing I am anticipating I lose interest in the thing or event I have been anticipating rather quickly. Today I was reading The Word Among Us and one of the daily meditations said something about appreciating every moment of every day God gives us and using our time wisely. I was struck at how that completely goes against anticipation.
While anticipating I tend to think very little about the day I have in front of me. The blessings I have in my life at that moment in time. The things I need to do that day. Because I am concentrating on this thing that will happen in a few days or weeks. It really distracts me from being present in this moment God has given me. It distracts me from the people I have in my presence now. I am seeing more clearly how destructive anticipation can be to me personally.
The area I have the biggest problem with this in is things that I buy. Specifically video games. I can't wait for the next new experience. I can't wait for the next artificial world to live in. I can't wait to see how graphically beautiful and deep this fake world is these designers have created. And the whole time the real world God has created for us is passing me by.
I will stop and marvel at how beautiful the skyline is in a game world but I rarely stop to marvel at the skyline God has created for us. I will stop and speak to every character in a game I can speak to just to see what they are all about but I rarely stop and take the time to talk to the people I see on the street on a daily basis.
I have a strong suspicion this is why I felt so strongly, after quitting smoking marijuana, that God wanted me to get rid of all these games and movies and such. Because they take me away from Him. They keep me from appreciating all He has place right in front of me.
This is something I will continue to work on as I grow in my relationship with my lord and savior Jesus Christ.

How To Be Human

2011-08-30T15:19:00.000+01:00

I just read this in today's daily meditation from Richard Rohr. It struck me.
Speaking about Jesus: "He didn't come to teach us how to go to heaven but how to be a human being here on this earth—which is heaven now."
Something I need to remember.

Appreciation

2011-08-29T14:58:00.000+01:00

I used to hate walking my dog. Well not hate but never really looked forward to it.
Today is a beautiful cool end of summer day. I'd love to go out for a long walk with him but I can't because of his legs.
It's a shame that I don't seem to appreciate things until they are taken away. Temporarily taken away at least....hopefully.
Lord please help me be more appreciative of what I have while I still have it instead of looking back on what I had once it's passed by.

Sticking With My Dog

2011-08-25T15:59:00.001+01:00

My mother and I were talking about a friend who had to put her dog down last week. She told me how our friend said she couldn't imagine someone just dropping there dog off to be put to sleep. How could they not want to be there with the dog? This got me a little emotional.
When my dog had his third surgery I started accepting that he isn't going to live forever. I was talking to a client about it and she said that she knew someone who had the vet come to her house to put her dog to sleep and she held her dog as he died. The thought of that was very upsetting to me and I said I would not do that. That I didn't want the last memory of my dog to be of him dead in my arms. I said I would just drop him off and he wouldn't think it was any different then any other time he was dropped off. They would make him fall asleep and then stop his heart and he wouldn't know there was any difference then any other trip to the vet. The client said we all have to do what we feel is best and we moved on.
Recently I have had debates with people about whether or not dogs and other animals feel things like we do. If they are capable of truly loving us. I want to believe they can but am not sure they do. The idea that they don't made it easier for me to think I would just drop Lenny off when the time comes. Seeing the above picture this morning made me rethink that position.
The photo of this dog laying by his masters casket overwhelmed me. Especially right after having had this conversation with my mother last night. I am so afraid of having to deal with death of any kind. Especially the death of my buddy that has been with me for 11 years.
I've decided now that I will be there for him when that time comes. I may even ask his vet if they would be willing to come to the house seeing as he is so afraid of the vets office and I'd much rather have his final moments be at home where he is comfortable.
I hope this post helps people understand why some of us would consider dropping our dogs off in their final moments. It isn't for a lack of caring .It's because of caring so much that the pain of seeing them die seems unbearable. Thank God I've realized that the pain of knowing my dog died alone would be much more devastating then seeing him take that final peaceful breath.

Give Me Strength

2011-08-25T06:29:00.001+01:00

I found out today that the vet wants me to start Lenny back on the same restrictive movement program he was on right after surgery. That means no walking except around the apartment and out to go to the bathroom and no getting up on the couch or my bed. This is as much a test for me as for Lenny.
I want Lenny to be happy. I want Lenny to be where he wants to be and do what he wants to do. What I have to remember is short term discomfort and unhappiness could lead to a longer healthier life for Lenny. Isn't that worth it ??? Logically of course it is. But, as we all know, logic doesn't always rule.
This is a test for me as a parent...of a dog. Am I going to do what's easy and feels loving or what's in his best interest that actually is loving. Now that I have written this I will do whats in his best interest. I'll close the bathroom door, block off the couch and keep him out of my bedroom.
I need to be more disciplined in my own day to day life. Being more disciplined with Lenny will hopefully help me to learn to do the same for myself.
Lord please give me the strength to do what is right for Lenny rather then what I want to do. Help me to grow more disciplined in my own life. Help me resist giving into temptation. The temptation to do whats fun, easy, and feels good rather then what's right and smart and is gonna benefit Lenny and I most. I ask this in Jesus name. Amen

Turning Into...

2011-08-23T17:30:00.000+01:00

I've always been a lot like my dad but much closer to my mother . I am starting to notice more of her influence in my life as I get older. Especially since i have quit smoking weed.
She tries not to intentionally kill anything anymore. I used to have a teacher that did the same thing . Always thought it was kind of nutty in a sweet way. A few months ago I came in from working in the backyard and found a bug crawling on my arm. I went to smash it and she popped into my head. "Why do you have to kill it? Why not just throw it outside?" So that's what I did. Saw a little beetle crawling on my carpet. Went to kill it and heard her again. I picked it up and put it outside. Now just to be clear flies and mosquito's are not to be saved. They drive me and my dog crazy so as of now they are still on the kill list...for now.
Another area I notice her influence in is thinking of people and buying cards for them. I went to get a new game today and was intending on stopping in Target to get a card for a sick friend. There were cards out for the Jewish new year. I have a friend who constantly describes herself as an old Jew. So even though I'm not sure she practices her faith I decided to get her a card to let her know I am thinking of her. That's something my mother would do.
I feel like I am starting to see much more of a mix of my parents in me. I love that seeing as what great people both of them are. I am proud to represent them both and am proud to have them as my parents. I thank God for both of them and hope to continue to learn from them.

Uuuh...What Was That

2011-08-23T01:55:00.000+01:00

I just had something strange happen to me. I am watching a show on the Catholic network called Journey Home. As I am watching it I suddenly saw a ...picture in my mind. An image of someone bowing down at Jesus' feet. I couldn't tell who the person was. And the name I heard in my head was the name of one of my atheist subscribers on my YouTube channel. What I understood in my mind was that he would one day be bowing at Jesus feet. He would come to be a Christian. That is the reason he is in my life. The reason God sent him to me. Made me feel very emotional.
I have no idea where this came from. I wasn't thinking of him. The show I am watching wasn't talking about anything like this. Just popped into my head. Hmmmm....

6 Months

2011-08-15T16:55:00.000+01:00

Yesterday August 14 was my 6 month anniversary of being off drugs. One of the best birthday gifts God could have given me.
It is amazing to me how little temptation I feel to ever go back to that lifestyle. I worked hard to get to this point but I have to give credit to God for taking away the temptation. I know many people who have smoked and drank much less then me who have to fight daily to stick to their commitment of never giving in to their addiction again. For me it rarely even enters my mind.
God has helped me fill up my life with so many other things that I can't even imagine the negative impact being an alcoholic or pot head again would have on my forward momentum.
One thing that motivates me to stay on track is knowing, through my YouTube channel, that there are many people watching to see if I stumble. To see if I give in to my old habits. That are expecting me to fail. I want them to see that anything is possible when we refuse to give in to temptation and we have God in our lives.
Right after I quit smoking I asked God to use me in whatever way He sees fit. I feel He is doing that. Even with all my anger and aggression I think the changes happening in my life show through.
I am excited for what God has in store for me considering how much has happened in just these 6 short months.
Thank you to my mom and dad for all their support. Thanks to all my friends and other family members for being understanding and loving even when I don't make it easy to do so. And thank you to my personal Lord and savior Jesus Christ who has guided me through this and continues to give me strength and help me become the man God wants me to be.

Impact

2011-08-15T15:37:00.000+01:00

I want to share a couple things but I am not going to go into too many details. I am not sharing this to pump myself up but to hopefully motivate people to be more giving with their time and emotions.
A friend of a friend is dying from cancer. My mom and I sent her a card and let her know we are praying for her a few months back. Probably took 5 minutes out of our day as far as the card and added 2 or 3 minutes to our prayer time. She has recently taken a turn for the worse health wise. I found out this morning that she isn't able to communicate well but that she asked about me and my mother....makes me so emotional. To think that such a simple act can have such a huge impact on another human being. That in her last few days or weeks that our simple act of love holds a place in her heart.
I have another friend who is very lonely. She has no one to talk to. She wanted to talk yesterday but I was feeling tired and didn't really want to "be bothered". I made the call anyways and realized how important, after the call, the human contact was for her. That something that took a half hour out of my life made her feel so much better.
I'm learning from this how important it is to reach out to people. How important it is for people to know they are in the thoughts of complete strangers. How much of an impact we can have with a simple card or phone call.
Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to learn this and share it with others.

Interesting Dream

2011-08-15T15:14:00.000+01:00

A few years ago, while I was visiting my parents, I had a dream about people in my life. Friends and a few enemies. They were all at my former bosses house eating and I walked in and all of a sudden they were all gone. I looked out the window and the were all in the house next door so I went over there and as soon as I walked in they were all gone again. I'd look out the window and now they were back in the first house. I was very frustrated by this. I woke up and that was the end of the dream.
A few nights ago I had a dream about me and my former boss sitting around talking and laughing. I woke feeling like we were able to get along again and at least be civil towards one another.
Last night I feel I had a follow up dream if there is such a thing. I was having Thanksgiving dinner at my former bosses house. All of a sudden while talking to her all my friends started showing up. We all sat down to have dinner and a car pulled up with three people in it I didn't immediately recognize. I started to feel uncomfortable. I remember thinking i liked that I knew all the people at the dinner and now "strangers" were coming in. The strangers walked in and one of them was my godmother who in real life is very ill. She looked very healthy. She was walking well. Only unusual thing was she had on horned rimed glasses. When I saw her I began crying and she came over and hugged me and told me "everything is OK".
We sat and talked for a minute and then she told me she had to go. She had to "help other people". And then I woke up.
I had such a feeling of peace when I woke. It was and still is a tangible feeling. It's like God was telling me that everything is handled. I don't have to worry.
Just wanted to share this. Such an amazing feeling.

Understanding Why I Have To Shed

2011-08-11T04:02:00.000+01:00

Right after I quit smoking I felt and heard God tell me to get rid of my stuff. Shed my material possessions. I wanted to follow His command but at the same time felt kind of stuck. I kept on myself about it. Understanding that this is something God wants me to do. I would get hung up on not understanding exactly why He wanted me to do it and then I'd think 'I don't need to understand. I need to obey." I finally feel the grip of these possessions loosening up on me and it has come at a great time.
Lenny had his knee replaced a couple weeks ago and I am in the process of paying that off. I also found out a few days ago that I need $1300 worth of dental work. Selling these possessions will enable me to pay off my bills without using a credit card. Or at least get close to paying it off.
It seems God gave me the sell everything message early on so I could get used to the idea by the time I needed the money. At least that's how it feels.
God is amazing. He has worked with me in a way that has put me in a good position while obeying His command at the same time.

Somethings We Have To Do For Ourselves

2011-08-07T13:59:00.000+01:00

As I woke up this morning I asked God to help motivate me to be more vigilant and consistent in my prayers and reading the Bible. I almost immediately heard "That's something you have to choose to do yourself. God wants you to choose to have a relationship with Him and communicate with Him."
This isn't something that requires an intervention from God. This requires self discipline.

Enjoy Life Now

2011-08-04T04:55:00.001+01:00

I received this in an email. I had nothing to do with it's creation. I am only sharing it's message.

ENJOY LIFE

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment aboutperception, taste and people's priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

      *In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

      *If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

      *Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . ..

How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

Enjoy life NOW .. it has an expiration date

Less Good

2011-08-01T16:48:00.000+01:00

I have been hearing from a lot of people lately about what is right and wrong. Good and evil. And something I've noticed, that I do myself, is people basing their idea of right and wrong on feelings rather then facts. I think that shows what a distorted view we have of things in the world.
When we look for evil we look for murderers and rapists and thieves. We look for war and nukes and terrorism. And while those things may be evil we forget that a lot of the time evil is just less good.
We use our sympathy and emotional reaction to things to judge whether they are good or evil . We often don't use what we know. Especially from a Biblical stance.
Someone defending themselves against an attack and killing someone is justified in our minds. Someone stealing because they are hungry. Someone lying to get a better job or a loan they "need". Someone killing the person that killed their child or spouse. Someone lying to a friend to "spare their feelings". Bombing a country to get rid of an "evil" leader while killing innocent people in the process. Killing someone who abuses us.
I am in no way trying to say that the people that do these things are evil bad people. Or that they are going to hell. But at the same time when God says not to do certain things He doesn't add caveats. He knew when He made the rules that these situations would arise and if He wanted there to be exceptions wouldn't He have said that?
These are just things I think about. Things I question whether they are as justified to God as they can be to us.

Little Changes

2011-08-01T04:53:00.000+01:00

The first time I saw this commercial it tore me up inside. The innocence in the animals eyes. Just like in children's eyes. The music. The thought of something being abused that can't defend itself is emotionally overwhelming. The enormity of the problem can be overwhelming. Thinking of all the abused animals. Or all the abused children.
I think we have to be very careful that we don't let the enormity of a situation depress us and make us feel so helpless we do nothing. God wants us all to do our little part. There are over 6 billion people on this planet. If just a small percentage of us did something instead of being paralyzed by the size of the problem we could change so much in the world. I pray God will help me remember this.
I can't help Africa but I can help an African.
I can't save the animal kingdom but I can help a dog.
I can't save the planet but I can conserve what I use.
I can't save human kind but I can help and lift up the people in my life.
God help me. I want to do so much I get stuck doing nothing sometimes.
Guide me please Lord.

Sentimentalism

2011-08-01T04:25:00.000+01:00

I just finished reading an article about sentimentalism and it's negative effects on humanity in general and on Christianity.
I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the article so I decided to save it and go and check some of the comments on my YouTube videos. I have a video called "Murder is murder , abuse or not". I started reading the comments and felt like it was a good example of what this article was talking about.
Let me start off saying I have sympathy and compassion for anyone who is abused. I also believe that if someone kills someone in the midst of being abused that is self defense. What I was talking about in this video is someone who is abused and decides that instead of leaving they are gonna kill their abuser. They plot and plan a murder. That to me is murder whether they were abused or not. I was amazed at how many people were able to justify the murder of a human being because someone was sick of being abused or is afraid of their abuser.
I have not seen a Bible verse that says it's OK to kill for ANY reason.I feel so alone in my understanding of Gods word sometimes. Seems people are replacing knowledge of what we are and aren't supposed to do with what they "feel" is right and wrong. Feelings can be very deceptive.
We are supposed to use our knowledge of Gods word not our feelings and sympathy as far as knowing right from wrong.
This doesn't mean I am judging someone who does this. It means to me that I am telling people the truth.God's truth, not mine.
Telling someone that if they are abused enough murder is an option is opening a door in peoples minds that shouldn't be opened.
I will continue to read the Bible and ask God to guide me in my thoughts and words on this and many other issues.
It is our job as Christians to be sympathetic and loving to people and truthful and honest at the same time. I pray God will help me find this balance in my life.
Please guide me Lord.

The Green Thing

2011-07-31T14:14:00.000+01:00

I did not write this or play any part in it's creation. It is something sent in an email by a friend. I think it's great. I wish more older people wouild speak out in defense of their generation this way.

The Green Thing

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation.

Freakin Out Over My Dog

2011-07-28T22:56:00.000+01:00

My dog went in for his surgery today. I thought I would be picking him up tonight but just found out they want to keep him overnight. I can feel myself starting to over think this.
I know how scared he gets when he is away from me. This isn't an assumption. People have told me how he acts when I am gone for just a little while. The thought of him waking up in pain in a strange place and no idea where I am gets to me. Makes me very sad.
I know it's probably for the best that he stays there. I just feel so helpless. I know I wouldn't be able to do anything for him at home as far as helping with his pain. I know he has a better chance of healing properly in a crate where his movement is limited. Still doesn't make me feel any better.
Logic is so useless sometimes.
I love you Lenny. Sorry you are having to go through this yet again.
God please comfort Lenny and calm his nerves. Ease his pain and discomfort. Let him feel your love. Please guide whoever will be looking after him. Help them to be gentle and compassionate. Please calm my nerves. Ease my mind. Help me to not obsess over this. Help me remember that what is best is not always what is most comfortable or easy. I ask this in Jesus name Amen.

Message Received During Jury Duty

2011-07-26T21:30:00.000+01:00

I had jury duty today. I know, from past experience, that involves a lot of sitting around and waiting so I brought plenty to read. I have several issues of The Word Among Us that I have gotten behind on reading so I took the opportunity to catch up.
I got through one whole issue and started on the another when it was announced that there was only one possibility of a judge needing a jury today and they would keep us informed.
The second issue I was reading revolved around the conformation process in the Catholic church. It talked about it imparting the Holy Spirit into us. As I read on it talked about how sometimes right before we got to do something, like watch TV or play a game, we will get a feeling that maybe we should go pray or read the Bible instead. It said that, sometimes, is the Holy Spirit guiding us. That made me excited as I realized I have that happen quite often. I'll be getting ready to play a game and I will hear in my head "Really? This is how you want to spend the little free time you have?". I stop , sometimes , and go and pray and read the Bible.
I don't hear this every time I go to play a game or do something else that is kind of mindless. I don't feel bad wasting a little time sometimes. But there are definitely times where the message is very clear.
It's great to know the Holy Spirit guides us if we are just willing to listen.
Right after reading this we were dismissed from jury duty. Got the message I was supposed to get and got out of jury duty without having to serve on a jury. GREAT day!

Old People

2011-07-26T21:11:00.000+01:00

This was sent to me in email today. I wanted to share it. I didn't write it or have anything to do with it's creation. I am only sharing it.
The reason I liked it is I always kind of felt like I was born in the wrong generation. This helped me to see why I had those feelings.

I never really liked the term "Old Person"

but this makes me feel better about it.

And if you aren't one, I bet you know one!

I got this from an "Old Person" friend of

mine!

OLD PERSON PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to

be the only old person receiving it.

Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called,

as you will see.

Old People are easy to spot at sporting
events; during the playing of the
National Anthem. Old People remove
their caps and stand at attention and
sing without embarrassment. They
know the words and believe in them.
Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,
the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet
Age and the Moon Landing. They remember
the 50 plus Peace-keeping Missions from
1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old Person on the
sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an
Old Person on the street, he will nod or
tip his cap to a lady. Old People trust
strangers and are courtly to women.
Old People hold the door for the next
person and always, when walking, make
certain the lady is on the inside for
protection.
Old People get embarrassed if someone
curses in front of women and children
and they don't like any filth or dirty
language on TV or in movies.
Old People have moral courage and
personal integrity. They seldom brag
unless it's about their children or
grandchildren.
It's the Old People who know our great
country is protected, not by politicians,
but by the young men and women in the
military serving their country.

This country needs Old People with their
work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride
in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old People.

Pass this on to all of the "Old People"

you know & to others that may know some.

Once again I had nothing to do with writing this. Just sharing it.

Temper Tantrum

2011-07-25T00:24:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling very angry.
I'm riding around yelling at people in traffic.
I'm walking down the street and people say "cute dog" and I look the other way.
I'm wanting to call my friends but not wanting to be bothered at the same time.
I don't know if it's the heat. Or if it's the stress of having to pay for Lenny's surgery and knowing I have things I need to pay for for myself.
I sometimes feel obligated to call my friends and family and I resent that. Not that they are making me do it but that I feel I have to. That I have a duty to be there for people and keep my word to them the same way they have been there for me.
I am used to doing what I want when I want to. Or at least I was when I smoked weed all the time. But now that I don't have weed to numb me, the feelings I get of needing to be responsible are really pissing me off.
I want to be irresponsible. I want to do what I want when I want to do it. I want to ignore people when I don't feel like talking. I want to pay for things, like Lenny's surgery, with credit cards and delay the impact. I want to smoke weed and not think about my adult responsibilities. I want to live a worldly life like I see so many people around me doing and not feel a sense of duty. Of doing what God would have me do.
This is not to say I am going to smoke or go back to my old life. I just needed to get my feelings out so I can better deal with them.

WOW

2011-07-21T20:08:00.000+01:00

I am writing to someone about getting off weed and I said " I have to remember I have only been off drugs for 5 months.". As soon as I typed it I heard it repeated in my head. I have been off drugs for FIVE MONTHS!!! I could not have imagined that this would have ever been possible 5 months ago.
5 months ago I doubted I would have been able to control myself for a week let alone 5 months.
Thank you so much God for getting me this far.
Thank you for giving me the strength to resist temptation.
Thank you for putting people in my life to support me.
Thank you for giving me so much to do that I rarely have time to sit and think about it.
Thank you for giving me the ability to communicate with others so You can work through me to help others the way you have helped me.
Thank you for everything.
Please continue to guide and support me Lord.

Accepting I Need To Be Patient

2011-07-20T20:24:00.000+01:00

This post fells kind of disjointed to me but I made my point and don't feel like retyping it. I think my point came through.
I had yet another instance of seeing how much I am changing this morning. And it helped me to see that there is a gradual change occurring which helps me be more patient.
I woke up this morning to find a strange puddle in the carpet. My dog was acting like he always acts when he goes to the bathroom in the house. Normally I would get a little angry but the first words out of my mouth after "what is that?" were "are you OK?" to my dog. I immediately noticed the difference in my reaction and the feeling of concern I had for him rather then anger towards him. It felt great. I thought to myself that this is a very different feeling then I am used to. Helped me to realize that there is change happening. Slowly.
People have been telling me to slow down ever since I quit smoking weed and started having the idea that I want to serve God and do what He wants me to do with my life. I wanted to quit my job immediately and move to a monastery...not literally but I wanted that kind of dramatic change. And everyone from my mom to some of my friends to my mothers priest told me to slow down...be patient. That was making me angry because I wanted to feel the change and make a change NOW. On my time. When I wanted it.
The subtle changes I've seen recently are helping me to see that the support system I am blessed to have around me has been right. God is working on me but He is in no rush. My thought was I had to get somewhere so He could use me. Now I understand He is using me now, as I grow.
I have a better understanding now thanks to reading the Bible, praying and asking the Holy Spirit to guide me. Plus I am getting better at putting some trust in the people God has sent into my life. Trusting their opinions.
Thank you God for working in me and through me.

Diminishing Anger

2011-07-12T19:05:00.000+01:00

I admit that when I feel I am ready for a change in an area of my life I expect it to happen immediately. In a big flashy way. In my logical mind I feel once I understand why I do something I should be able to control it now or at least always be trying to control it. In my spiritual mind I am starting to understand that life just doesn't work that way. God doesn't work that way. Change is gradual. I think it happens that way so we learn something as we go. As an on air therapist once said "People are in such a rush to change. To get "there". They aren't willing to go through the process they have to go through to change"...or something like that. I've had two examples over the last few days that the gradual change I am open to is starting to happen.
On Saturday I was driving to work and I got to the intersection of Columbia Road and 16th Street in DC. There is no left turn at this intersection. People do it anyways. I find this to be irritating as it backs up traffic. Plus I just get mad when I see people breaking traffic laws...that I break myself. There have been plenty of times I have pulled up to this intersection and seen the car in front of me sitting with it's left turn signal on. Instead of getting over in the other lane I will pull up behind the SELFISH driver and hold down my horn...and I mean hold it DOWN! Then I pull up beside them and scream some sort of obscenity as I continue on my merry little way. This Saturday was different.
I was approaching the intersection and saw that the person in front of me was gonna turn. I looked over and saw that there was no one behind me and I was free to get over. My EVIL mind told me to get behind the law breaker and go OFF on them. My Christian mind told me that we are trying to be less angry and the best way to do that is to avoid putting ourselves in situations that make us angry. So I got over in the other lane and continued on my way to work. I got irritated a few minutes later with something else but was able to remember the little change that occurred that morning.
Second sign of change happened last night. I was playing a game and I noticed a bug flying around one of the lights in my apartment. I don't like bugs in my house. So I got a old license plate, yes I have old license plates around my apartment, and I went on the hunt. The critter was bumping against the ceiling going back and forth. I swung at it a few times and missed. Then it flew over the couch and I took a big swing and missed but caught the top of a steak I have sticking into one of my potted plants. The pot hit the floor shattering into many pieces and scattering dirt everywhere. I felt no anger. I said "oh DANG IT!". Thats right I said dang it...didn't even cuss. I noticed almost immediately that I wasn't having to control my tempter or anger. It just wasn't there.
I want to thank God for granting me an answer to yet another prayer to help me with my temper. I want to thank Dr. Charles Stanley for writing "Surviving In An Angry World". The book has had a huge impact on me. I want to thank myself for being open to the changes I've said I've wanted for so long and being willing to put in the required effort.

Feed Yourself

2011-07-11T16:45:00.000+01:00

After finishing reading Dr. Stanley's book "Surviving In An Angry World many things have become more clear to me. One of them is that I am responsible for my own anger. I am responsible for the way I react to things. I am also responsible for what makes me angry. That is not really something I ever thought much about before.
My YouTube channel was created to vent my frustrations. I thought that having a place to spew my rage would help it dissipate. Ohhhh how wrong I was. What has happened is I have attracted many angry people who, after seeing me rant and rave about a particular topic, send me videos that just make me even more angry. Feed my anger. My rage.
I have made a few videos about abusive police officers, Now I get videos sent to me weekly showing more and more police abuse. I make angry videos about politics and I get more and more videos sent to me showing corruption. I have to limit my exposure to this kind of stuff if I want to be the man I want to be.
Now I do believe that some of these things need to be brought to peoples attention. They do deserve our anger. They are things that we as a society have to do something about. I just have to find a way to turn my anger into action. To go from hooting and hollering to actually doing something about what I see. I have to find a balance between these things. Be angry in a Godly way but not letting anger rule my life. And if I can't, I have to be willing to step away from these issues for whatever amount of time is necessary to get myself more balanced. More under control. Become more of a peaceful warrior.

I Asked

2011-07-11T03:39:00.000+01:00

I asked God to save my dog from cancer and give me more time with him...He did.
I asked God to save my godmother and give her more time on this planet with her family...He did.
I asked God to help me get off drugs...He did.
I asked God to send someone to our salon to try to fix things...He did.
I asked God to soften my fathers heart ...He did.
I ask God to guide my life and show me what He wants from me...He does.
How can I ever forget the importance of prayer?

Holding Myself Back

2011-07-11T02:20:00.000+01:00

I am sitting here listening to a performance of "If Only You Knew" by Patti LaBelle on YouTube. As I listen to it I think of all the friends I have that love me. That want me to be in their lives. I get stuck every time I go to call them.
All day today I though about a friend that recently reconnected with me that I promised I would call when I got back from vacation. I was gonna call her when I got home from work tonight but I didn't. I think of my two long time friends regularly who I thought that I wasn't in contact with on a regular basis because of smoking weed but have barely spoken to them since I have been sober. I think of my godmother who I want to go see but every time I go to pick up the phone to call her I freeze.
I know when someone genuinely needs me. Needs my help or support or prayers and company I am there as soon as I can get there. But when it comes to the everyday interactions I am uncomfortable for some reason. When I stop to think and let myself feel what I feel what comes to mind is the word scared. Scared of what I am not sure but it scares me. Maybe I am afraid to let people get close to me. Though I can be so open with complete strangers. Or people I only know in a very limited way.
I'll have to ponder this. Just needed to get it off my chest. See it in writing so I can work it out in my mind....
...OK what just popped into my mind is a friend I made through YouTube and Facebook recently decided to stop speaking to me for whatever reason. Someone who I felt a genuine connection to. It made me realize how I have these friends that have never left me. Never deserted me that I ignore. It seems so illogical to me. I don't take advantage of and invest in the people I know that love and support me but I pour out my soul for people that I have no assurance will be there tomorrow.
I'll have to ponder that too/.
Lord please guide me. Help me to understand my behavior. My fear. And to confront it. I want to be loved. I want to have relationships. I want to be open to the love other people have to offer me and be open to giving the great love you have placed in my soul. I ask this in Jesus name, Amen.
Here is a link to the performance that inspired me to write this. I claim no rights to the song or performance. Just sharing my inspiration.

Timely Bible Verses

2011-07-08T05:12:00.000+01:00

After my post last night about what I feel God wants me to do I went to bed and started to read the Bible. This is what I read.
Romans 12:1,2-I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.
Amazing how God sends us what we need at just the right time.
Thank you Lord.

Grateful For My Folks

2011-07-08T02:01:00.000+01:00

I am sitting here answering an email from a subscriber on YouTube. He asked me how I started the process of quitting smoking weed. I was describing some of the steps and I mentioned how I talked to my mom every evening and continue to talk to her at least once a week. It made me realize how blessed I am to have been born to these two people.
My parents loved me unconditionally but at the same time held me to a higher standard then I was holding myself. I would call it unconditionally tough love. They comforted me when I needed it but also spoke the truth about the situation I was in.
I am so grateful for my parents. I am where I am today, partially, because of their support and love.
Parents should never underestimate the importance you hold in your child's lives even when they are grown. And never assume because your children don't react to what you say in the way you expect that it means they don't hear you. Or didn't absorb what you said. It's just like rain. Sometime rain runs off from where it falls but gets absorbed as it runs off.
Thank you God for giving me these two amazing people to call my parents.

Let It Go

2011-07-08T00:00:00.000+01:00

My friend Ally sent this t ome today. It touched me. Thanks Ally.
I did not write this or have anything to do with it's creation. It is from Bishop T.D. Jakes. Just wanted to share it.

This is beautiful. Read it to the end...the message is awesome!!!

By T.. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us, that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are bad people; it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's because I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......

LET THEM GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......

LET HIM OR HER GO!!!

If someone has angered you.

LET HIM OR HER GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thought of evil and revenge.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.. . . .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude... . . ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship . . ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help some people who won't even try to help themselves. . . ...

LET THEM GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'

The Lord’s Prayer

Our Father, who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever.

Amen.
Next, stop and think and appreciate God's power in your life, for doing what you know is pleasing to Him.
'Yes, I love my God. He is my fountain of Life and My Savior.

He Keeps me going day and night. Without Him, I am no one. But with Him, I can do everything, Christ is my strength.'

A Prayer

2011-07-07T23:38:00.001+01:00

This is a prayer sent to me today by my mama.

Lord, purify my mind and heart.
Lead me to pastures, Lord, and graze with me there.
Let your good spirit guide me.
Whatever I do, let it be in accordance with your will,
now, and until the end.

St. John Damascene, 8th century

Holding Myself Accountable

2011-07-07T05:31:00.000+01:00

This post is kind of rambling but it is something I needed to write tonight . I needed to get out. This is not something I am writing to put myself down. It's something I need to do to get back on track.
I've felt myself slipping backwards lately. Not slipping all the way back to smoking weed but I feel myself being pulled in that direction. I am noticing the things that I did and surrounded myself with while I was smoking having started taking on more importance lately.
I've been wanting to spend money unnecessarily which was something I did while high to fill up my soul. Or at least try to. I find myself buying and eating a lot more food. I am starting to gorge myself sometimes . Not to the same extent that I did when smoking but more then I should be eating. I smell weed when I am not sure there is any around. I woke the other morning and had the taste in my mouth I used to have after smoking weed...and I liked it. I find myself being angry more and more often. These things had all been more under control the first few months I had stopped smoking weed.
I feel I am losing my connection with God. The closeness I felt when I first quit. I feel I am not doing what I need to do to make the connection stronger. And the great advice I have gotten from many people as far as how to grow as a Christian goes in one ear and right out the other.
I also haven't been communicating with my friends and family like I was right after I quit. I was chatting or sending messages back and forth with people that were supporting me online on a daily basis. Now that seems to be fading away. I told myself, while smoking, that the reason I didn't talk to my friends and family often was because of smoking. I kind of hoped that would naturally just correct itself once I quit. It hasn't and I haven't made much of an effort. Friendships need to be nurtured and I haven't done nurturing very well. At least I haven't up until now.
Another commitment I'd made to myself was getting out of the house at least once a week and go out for a walk or go to the Arboretum or a park or something. To feel closer to God. I did that a few times and felt peaceful doing it. But I stopped. I could give reasons but if it is something I really want to do I have to find a way to make it happen .
I hardly ever read the Bible. I can read books about the Bible or books quoting scripture but when I actually try to read the Bible my mind wanders immediately. People have told me different kinds of Bibles to get to help me and suggested joining a Bible study group. All of which seem like great ideas. But I haven't done any of them. But I can find time for video games and movies. Things that will never get me where I want to be.
I really feel like all this stems from my inability to be half in and half out of the world. That is the way I have always been. Kind of an extremist if you will. I can't kind of be a Christian.Can't just dip my toe in the Christian pool. It isn't working for me. If I am going to serve God it has to be what I do. The temptations and distractions around me are too much to resist. I need them gone. I need to remove myself from them. I feel called to do this. In my mind and my soul.
I have to decide who I want to be and go for it. I have to allow God to run my life full time. Take total control. This may not be the way for many of my fellow Christians but it is something I hear so loudly in my head. And when I tell myself not to listen I feel my life going in the wrong direction. When I feel I should try to mix the two existences I have it just feels like it is pulling me away from God. When people tell me not to be so hard on myself or to not be so harsh with myself or try to find a way to incorporate my faith into my current way of living I feel that is the opposite of what God wants from me right now. I want to play violent games yet somehow be a peaceful person. I want to read the Bible in the morning before work and pray and feel closer to God and then get in the car and say horrible things, out of anger, to people while driving to work. I feel like I am living a double life and I can not sustain this kind of existence.
I NEED a schedule. That is what helped me get onto the track of growing in my Christianity and keeping the commitments I need to keep to become the man I want to be. The man God wants me to be.
I know this whole journey is what God wants me to go through. I understand that. I feel God can use me in so many more ways if I would be willing to step out of this world and live in His.
I just took a minute from writing this and wrote a very rough draft of what I need to put in my new schedule. I know when things are written down I follow them pretty well. Much better then when I just tell myself in my head.
I'm gald I got this out finally. I will rest better tonight knowing that I am going to start making plans for my life instead of just waiting for things to happen.
Thank you God for inspiring me to deal with this tonight instead of another night of feeling lost. I am so grateful to have You in my life. I want so badly to serve You. Please guide me and use me in ANY way You want. I trust you know what is best for me. I know you won't steer me wrong. In Jesus name, Amen.

My Retreat

2011-07-01T23:50:00.000+01:00

I will not be going on the retreat I told y'all about unfortunately. My dog Lenny has injured his leg. Blown out his knee to be exact. It will cost me about $1800 dollars to get fixed . I simply cannot afford that expense and still pay around $500 for this retreat. Other things were starting to pop up that were making the idea of it more problematic before Lenny injured himself.
My dog requires a lot. He is not the kind of dog you just put food on the floor for and walk him and everything is good. Sometimes he won't eat if not hand fed. Sometimes he has to be run before he will eat. Other times he will get sick if he is run before he eats. If his stomach gets upset he won't eat and I have to force a few small chinks down his throat to settle his stomach and then he will eat on his own after that. He is aggressive with people sometimes and very fearful other times. It is something that the average person can not deal with. My mama let me know she didn't think she could handle all the little problems he has if I were to leave him with her and my dad. He does not travel well either. Every time we go to visit my parents he ends up with a VERY upset stomach....for days.
All of this makes it almost impossible for me to leave Lenny with anyone. I would need to know that he was being handled properly for me to be able to get what I wanted to get out of the retreat. If I am sitting around worried about him the whole time I am there nothing will be accomplished.
There are some other things I am learning about Fr. Rohr that cause me some concern but that has nothing to do with my decision at this point.
I believe God would clear the way for me if He wanted me on this retreat and at this point that isn't happening. I believe my dog needs me more then I need this retreat at this point. I owe him proper care and a comfortable rest of his life.
Maybe I can find a retreat closer by for a shorter period of time that way Lenny isn't a concern.

Different Reaction

2011-07-01T21:36:00.000+01:00

I have noticed many changes since I have quit smoking marijuana. One of them showed up in my recation to a situation with a friemd.
I recently had a friend that I made through YouTube and Facebook cut me off...completely. Unsubscribed and unfriended Just like that! No explanation. Just gone. I had an initial reaction that was similar to the way I would have reacted in the past. That reaction being 'this is why I don't let people get close to me. I will not get close to anyone else. I am gonna make sure this person never communicates or gets close to me again'. There is comfort in that reaction as it is what I am used to. But after reading the book "Surviving In An Angry World" by Dr. Charles Stanley I chose to react differently.
I am accepting that this person can still care for me and love me and at the same time feel the need to have me out of their life. I am accepting that if this person ever wants to be part of my life again I am open to that. I am accepting that retaliating by blocking them from communicating from me is an angry response and if I don't want to be angry anymore I have to change the way I react to things. I have to behave like the person I want to be even if my mind is still reacting like old me. Telling me to be powerful and take some control back by being mean and powerful and aggressive about it. The only way for me to feel powerful is to act in an ungodly way and that is something I am trying not to do anymore.
Growing is painful. Becoming the person we are meant to be is difficult. That's why many people never try to change.But the rewards outweigh the pain in my book.

Unnecessary Church

2011-07-01T21:08:00.000+01:00

I hear from a lot of people on my blogs and my YouTube videos about churches. And how bad churches are. And churches representing organized religion and we all know how bad religion is. Or at least how it is perceived now a days. I have a simple question. If the church is unnecessary and brings bad things out of Christian people why did Jesus build the church? Why create it at all if all we needed was to be gathered together with no sturcture?
I think we have to be very careful that we don't start to think we know better then God when it comes to what we need in our lives and what He wants from us.
It seems to me we approach the way we look at God and religion and the church with very adult minds. Very cynical affected brains. Aren't we told to look at God with the mind of a child? Would the mind of a child be so overly analytical? Would a child question what God built for us in the church and presume to know better then God. To say "yeah God I know , through your son Jesus Christ, you built the church for us but I don't think it's really relevant or necessary anymore?
I will continue to ponder this. I think it's something I need to be aware of and careful not to fall into.

Discernment

2011-07-01T19:51:00.000+01:00

I have to learn to discern between what I want to do, how I want to live and what God wants from me. I have gotten to the point where if something is too easy or comfortable for me I know it isn't necessarily what God wants. I think the growth He wants for me lies in the discomfort. In the challenge.

Accepting this is an ongoing process.

Dismissing Parts Of The Bible

2011-07-01T19:25:00.000+01:00

I have noticed a trend recently. Or maybe it isn't a recent trend and I am just picking up on it. Seems a lot of people, ministers, priests, just everyday people, have decided they know better then the people who wrote and have interpreted the Bible.
Seems people now go through the Bible and whatever parts don't work with their life or their personal choices they somehow find a way to dismiss them. Either by saying that man corrupted the Bible accidentally or intentionally. That men have distorted God's word and commandments. But those same people have no problem with the parts they agree with. They don't question the validity of those parts. But if it doesn't work with their life then it MUST be that somehow it got twisted just in that particular section. To that I say COME ON!
I understand we all do things and have habits and make choices that feel good to us. They work for us. But that doesn't mean they are right in God's eyes. Just because stealing feels OK to someone because they are hungry doesn't mean it isn't still a sin. If someones child is molested and they go out and harm or kill the perpetrator it still is a sin. If we laugh at someones disability but tell ourselves it is just a joke doesn't mean it still isn't cruel.
I think we forget that sin feels right. It feels good. I think we like to believe that sin is bad so it will make us feel bad so if it doesn't make us feel bad it must really be OK ...even though it says differently in the Bible. Sin wouldn't be tempting if it didn't feel good or right.
God inspired the Bible for a reason. He wanted us to know what he accepts and doesn't accept from us. His rules don't change with the times. He doesn't care if we like the rules or not. He loves us but He isn't trying to make our lives easier with His rules. They are meant to be hard to follow. That's why the path that we as Christians are on is so narrow. Because there is a strict set of rules we MUST follow.
Something that I am becoming more clear on recently is that if I believe God inspired the Bible. If I believe that God is all powerful. Then I also believe that He would not allow His word to be corrupted to a point where it no longer means what He intended.
I think we all know deep down inside when we are not living right. I think a sure sign of that is when we spend a lot of time trying to find justification for our behavior in the Bible. The only reason I look for justification is because I have a feeling that what I am doing isn't right. I think that feeling is Gods way of letting us know how He wants us to live. I am not saying we should always follow our feelings but when it comes to asking God what He wants from us, if we are saved and have a relationship with Him, the feelings, along with Biblical scripture, are a good indicator.

Encouragiung Debauchery

2011-06-30T20:34:00.001+01:00

A friend recently sent me the video for the Beastie Boys most recent song. The original was the typical 4 or 5 minute video. The next day I was sent the 25 minute version. As I watched it I found myself mesmerized by the debauchery shown in this video.
I won't go into great detail but it shows people stumbling out of a room full of smoke which I assumed was weed smoke. Then they go to get beer and the store is closed so they break in and steal beer and then proceed to smash up the place. As they are walking out they spray people with beer and hit them with the beer cans as they jump all over peoples cars . The video fades into them being high on acid or some other hallucinogen. The imagery gets very trippy. They end up having a dance battle in the street with their future selves where it devolves into them urinating on each other. The police arrive and beat them up a bit and the video ends shortly there after.
I was into the video when I watched it I freely admit. But in the back of my mind I was thinking this is exactly what our world is devolving into and these guys are celebrating it. A world full of people that are just goofing around taking whatever they want , abusing random people, destroying property, stealing , abusing drugs. It made me have a very uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. Probably because this is exactly the way I lived for a while in my own life.
I have to be careful watching stuff like this. It feeds that part of my soul. The dark part. The devilish part. The part that I am working on not having so much influence in my everyday life.
God wants me putting positive things in my head. Things that make me a better person. Things that help me grow into the strong Christian warrior that He wants me to be. Not things that pull me back into the world.
I feel I am being pulled in 2 different directions in my life. God is calling me to serve Him. To be a loving, caring, supportive, helpful, kind , gentle, grateful person. The devil is calling me to feel powerful, liked, favorited, special, aggressive, entitled, debauchery fueled person.
It is such a clear battle I feel going on. I am thankful to God that what is going on is so clear to me. There is no confusion over what I am supposed to do here. It just seems like the more I try to do what I know God wants me to do the more things that are getting thrown at me.
This video was good reminder of my old life and why I want out of it and why I need to stay clear of the things that remind me of it most.

A Friends Poetry

2011-06-29T05:49:00.000+01:00

A friend of mine writes poetry and music. I am not usually into poetry but there is something about the way she speaks that holds my attention. Below is a link to her reading her poetry in a video for YouTube.

My Buddy

2011-06-27T21:30:00.000+01:00

Finally learned how to edit photos into a little video and added some chilled out music. Watching this makes me realize how important he is to me. How large a part of my life he has become. Thank you Lord for all the time you have given us together. I pray for many more years to come.

Emotional Decision

2011-06-24T03:29:00.000+01:00

My dog injured himself again while on vacation. He ruptured his other back knee. I have been kind of torn on what I should do. He has had so many surgeries that I wasn't sure if maybe it is just time to let him be old and a little worn out.
He just came over to me and brought me the ball to play with. I threw it gently and he started to run to get it. I know I shouldn't have but he just wanted to play a bit. As soon as he tried to go after it he kind of realized he couldn't run. He just turned around and gave me this sad look. All I can think is how can I not get his leg fixed when he is still so full of life?
I will not make this decision totally based on emotions but right now I feel like it is worth it for him to be able to enjoy the rest of his life however long that may be.

Speak Up Immediately

2011-06-18T17:54:00.001+01:00

Yet another sign of my continued evolution. I was upset by something this morning at my parents house. It upset me enough I was considering leaving early and going home. As I sat in the computer room of my parents house I kept hearing in my head "go and deal with it now. Say what you've got to say.".
I went into the kitchen to get my dogs food ready and I was very uncomfortable with going down stairs to say what I felt I needed to say. But I knew in my heart it was time to speak up. I prayed a short prayer asking God to have my dad come up the stairs as I just didn't feel comfortable going down. A few minutes later up the stairs he came.
I said what I had been wanting to say for many months. He received me well. Gave his opinion on what I said and we continued on to have a brief but pleasant conversation without yelling or fighting.
I am so grateful God gave me the strength to say what I said and helped my dad be open to hearing the meaning behind my words instead of just my words.
I encourage anyone reading this to speak your mind. If you don't it will eat you alive.

Little Things

2011-06-17T22:22:00.001+01:00

I am trying to make some major changes in my life. I have learned, since quitting weed, that it is better to start changing with the little things that lead to the big problem rather then try to fix the big problem all by itself. I had that knowledge reinforced on my trip up to my parents house.
I was driving along and there were two lanes that were merging into one. I am speeding along and I see that the car that has the yield sign has no intention of yielding to me. This pissed me off so instead of yielding to them and keeping things safe I decided to let my anger rule me and I kept on truckin. I came very close to almost hitting this car. Close enough that I immediately made a video which I will post below.
I immediately realized that I had just risked my life and the life of the people in the other car just to be first. Just to be in the lead. Just to feel powerful. Just to feel as if I am in control.
Dying to be first or feel powerful is exactly how I need to think of it in the fututre. Am I willing to die for this?
I have done so much to change and get my life in order and I risked it for nothing. I risked having the ability to help the people I want to help and growing into the man I want to be for something so ...unimportant.
God please continue to help me let go of my anger and need for the feeling of being powerful.

Signs of Change

2011-06-14T17:12:00.000+01:00

I quit smoking 120 days ago as of today. I have noticed many changes in my behavior. One has made itself more obvious on my trip to my parents house.
Yesterday on my way to my folks house Lenny, my dog, got out of the car to go to the bathroom. After going he lifted his good leg up and can't walk on it. His other leg has had the knee replaced and is not very strong. He is having a hard time walking and is in a lot of pain. I'm not having a break down over it. That is very different from the way it would have affected me in the past.
I started to think about the issue as we continued our trip north yesterday and I felt something come over me. What I heard in my head was "worrying about it isn't going to change anything.". I've felt calm ever since.
This may not have a good outcome. If his knee has blown out in this leg like it did in the other I am not sure he can handle aniother surgery or that it will even work seeing as the leg that has already been "fixed" can't support his weight. I am not happy about this but am accepting that I have no control over this situation.
I am taking him to a local vet tonight. Then , once I have more information, I will decide what to do from here. I may get more surgery or I may not.
I feel comfortable not knowing. That is not something I haven't been comfortable with in the past.
Being out of control emotionally never made anything better. I didn't realize how unbalanced I was until I stopped smoking.
Thank you God for helping me react in a more measured and reasonable way.

Old Me Is Dying

2011-06-07T16:25:00.000+01:00

I understand why I feel more angry recently then I have in a long time. I understand why I feel more uncomfortable then I have in a long time. I understand why things that have brought me great pleasure in the past are no longer satisfying me. I understand why I feel somewhat disconnected from the people around me. Because I am dying. The old me is dying. And the new me. The me God wants me to be has to make all new connections with new people and create different connections with the people all ready in my life. . Find new ways of enjoying myself.
My old me is thrashing around inside. Pissed at the change. "I just wanted to quit weed and go on with my life". That can not be. "I don't want to let people get close enough to really love me". That has to stop. " I want to entertain myself mindlessly all the time". I have to start to use my heart and brain more often. " I want to do what I want when I want to do it". OH WELL! Can't be that way anymore.
Thank you God for clarifying for me, through the post I read this morning, what is going on with my emotions. Why I feel what I have felt for the last few weeks.

What Does Love Feel Like?

2011-06-07T14:51:00.001+01:00

I am sitting here listening to this song sent to me by my friend Valerie. As I listened to it a thought popped into my head. What does love feel like? I am not sure I know. Kind of a sad feeling. I have never been in love. I love my family but I don't really understand the feeling. I know it in my head. But I'm not sure I've felt it in my heart. I wrote about loving God recently and how I am not sure if I feel it. How am I supposed to know if I feel it for God if I've never felt it, for sure, for a person. I've never felt it for a man and when I felt the beginning of it in the past for a woman I was rejected. So I stopped it there. I've never allowed it to go further then that. Now I feel numb to it most of the time. At least I think I do. Anger takes it's place most of the time.
God help me. I want to feel love.

Examining My Bi Sexuality

2011-06-06T06:02:00.000+01:00

I am reading a book called "On The Threshold Of Transformation" by Richard Rohr. In it he makes many references to masculine and feminine energy. I just received a message from a friend about something similar and I feel it's time for me to say something I have been holding in for a long time. It is something that has to do with homosexuality. People have asked me how I rectify being bi sexual and being a Christian. I have been hesitant to say anything about this because I don't want to be rejected by my gay friends or insult anyone. I feel God wants me to say what He has helped me figure out and if someone hates me or rejects me because of it, so be it.
I have often wondered how it is that so many people feel so strongly about being gay. How many men I know , when asked when they knew they were gay, describe liking certain kinds of music or being more comfortable with the women then men. Or being artistic. And then, after describing those traits, will say that they ended up liking boys. I often wonder how many of them, like me, were told because they liked different activities or had some "feminine" traits as a child that they weren't acting like men. Or they were fags. Or were forced to participate in activities to "toughen them up". I think doing this to a child at an early age can push someone towards being gay.
I remember being a "soft" boy. I liked football and some sports but I also liked nature and talking with people. I liked more emotional music instead of harder edged songs. I remember being told I was a fag in school because I was well behaved and trusted by the teachers. I was in the choir and I liked talking to the girls. Not because I felt like a girl but because they actually were nice to me. And they liked talking too. The boys didn't.
At that age their were boys who were already being sexual with girls. I wasn't interested in that at all and because of that I was even more of a fag. I didn't understand why liking these things and not being interested in humping girls on the playground meant I wanted to be in love with boys. It was confusing to me. It made me pull away from men even more and associate myself more with girls.
Then I would go home in the afternoon and my brother would tell me I was nothing but a little fagot. I was hurt by this, as far as I can remember. I don't know if he meant it as far as attacking my sexuality or if he just didn't like me and it was a word that he liked to use. But I definitely pulled away from him because of it. My dad was also very aggressive and foul mouthed and this made me nervous around him. It made me want to just be around my mother . Drawing me even closer to feminine instead of masculine. That in turn got me called queer and fag even more.
It was around this time that I was molested. I remember being very confused by this because what went on, as far as the molestation, was done in a way that I felt it was me that instigated it. That I was the "nasty fagot" that wanted it. And it was pleasurable to me. I remember thinking after this happened that I must be gay after all. Everyone has been right all this time. People told me I was gay because I was somewhat feminine and now I had messed around with a man and it felt good...I MUST be gay. And from then on I just accepted that as a fact.
As I got older people started saying gay people were born gay. I liked that idea because it made me feel that I had no control over it. But something never felt quite right to me. I remember very clearly as a youngster , before being molested, having a big crush on two people. Lynette and Keesha. I wanted to be around them as much as possible. When we went on field trips I wanted to hold their hands all day long if possible. I never wanted to hold boys hands or have anything to do with them beyond being friends.
I can tell you the day I started being more attracted to men. GRAPHIC!!! I was masturbating and I was looking at a magazine that had a man and women simulating sex and I looked at the man instead of the woman and...had a reaction. I also remember liking the idea that it was forbidden. More then the thought of actually having sex with a man.
Then I started going to gay clubs and living a gay lifestyle. I dated a few men and never really enjoyed the sexual contact with them. But I was GAY so I kept on going with it until I started using weed so much I kind of lost interest in sex altogether.

I don't in anyway think that the traits that many gay/bi sexual men and women exhibit should be made into something sexual and I wonder how many feminine men would gravitate, as far a as attraction, towards more masculine women if they weren't told by society that because we are more feminine it means we want other men sexually.
This is something I have been thinking about for a long time. To be clear, I do not hate myself or gay or bi sexual people. I just want to understand who I am. And to do that I have to examine every aspect of my life. If this offends someone I did not intend it as an attack. But I do not apologize for it either.
I will continue to ponder this through deep thought and prayer.

Do I Love God

2011-06-05T17:55:00.000+01:00

I often hear people say that they love God or Jesus. That they love the lord. I am not sure exactly what that means.
I know that I feel a lot of strong emotions when I talk about being a Christian. When I tell people all that God has done for me I feel very emotional. When I listen to gospel music or people giving their testimony or a preacher preaching about Jesus I feel things. But I am not sure if that is love. How do I know if I love God?
I guess I could compare it to the feelings I have for people in my life that I love but that seems different to me. Maybe it shouldn't be. I'm not sure.
I have a long break next week. I plan on spending much of that time thinking about God, reading the Bible and just spending some quiet time listening. Contemplating. Praying.
God please give me some clarity on what it means to have a relationship with You.

Godly Messages In Ungodly Movies

2011-06-04T02:06:00.000+01:00

I have a few Christian friends who enjoy horror movies and other things as far as entertainment that aren't Godly as far as I am concerned. I don't mean this in a judgmental way. I find these same things entertaining and it bothers me. I feel sometimes that I shouldn't watch or listen to secular things. Worldly things. Shouldn't allow them into my mind. But one of my friends says that she gets messages about God in all kinds of music and entertainment. I had an experience recently that helped me understand what she meant.
Before I tell this story let me say that I am not saying that I don't still think I need to stop putting some of this stuff into my head. I do. But this was the first time I got a message about God from a movie that I don't think had that as it's intent and I wanted to share it.
I saw Devils Advocate when it first came out in theaters. From the trailer I thought it was gonna be comedic. I was very wrong and left feeling that the movie was disappointing and irritating. I wasn't entertained at all and certainly didnt feel I got anything out of the movie. It came on TV the other night and I watched it again.
At the beginning Keanu Reeves has to decide whether to do the right thing as far as a case he is involved with and he doesn't. He does what's best for his career. This starts him down the wrong path. There is a scene at the end where Keanu and Al Pacino are arguing. Al Pacino plays the devil and Keanu is his son in case you've never seen the movie. Keanu is blaming Al for making him make all these bad decisions and do the wrong thing and Al tells him in essence that I, as the devil, don't do that. I set you up and you have a choice how you react. Al then says how much he loves vanity because it leads people to all these other sins like pride, arrogance,selfishness and corruption. Al invites Keanu to join him. Keanu decides to kill himself rather then help his father. He then wakes up back at the point of making the decision about the case that started him down the wrong path. He makes the right decision this time. He then walks out and a reporter tries to convince him to tell his story in the paper. That he is such a special kind of lawyer tha the world must know about him. The idea appeals to his ego and he agrees. As he walks away the reporter turns into Al/the devil.
The message I got out of this on my second viewing was very important for me. The devil is constantly trying to lead me astray. CONSTANTLY! I need to be very mindful of my ego. I have a lot of people that pump me up. Tell me I am a great man. Tell me I am special. Better then. I have detractors as well but the feeding of my ego can be very dangerous for me. I can become cocky/arrogant very easily.
I told a client today I have two modes as far as my self esteem. I am scum, or I am a genius. Neither of which is true. I am simply a person that Gods works through just like He does everyone else. I am no smarter. No more important. No greater.
This movie helped me remember how easy it is to follow our pride. Follow whatever feeds our ego.
God give me the strength to resist my ego. Help me stay humble. Help me to stay aware of the constant temptation around me and to see it clearly for what it is. Also help me learn lessons from everything around me. Not just from reading scripture and from talking with other Christians but in everything I experience daily.

Confusion

2011-05-24T17:24:00.000+01:00

I have had many of my Christian friends tell me how important it is that I get into a church. I agree with them but I am having a very difficult time deciding what kind of church I want to be involved with. There are things I like about some of the different denominations and there are things that I don't like. Some of the things I don't like are just preferences,. But some of the things make me unsure that what these different groups preach about or how they live versus what they preach or some of the hypocrisies in what they say make them ungodly.
There are things about the Catholic church I love . I watched a show about becoming a priest the other night and it made me very emotional in a positive way. But then the distrust and hatred some have for the Catholic church makes me question my feelings. I watch some ministers on TV and I like their style of preaching but when I see how they live versus how the bible says we should live it makes me uncomfortable. I like what I hear from some Christian ministers from different denominations but their hatred of other denominations or just for no believers in general makes me question their Godliness.
I will continue to pray for God's guidance on this as I do for Him to guide all my decisions. I wonder, sometimes, if the fact that He hasn't helped me see the issue with more clarity indicates that this is not the most important part of being a Christian in the first place.