Dangerous Hope

Hope can be dangerous when it's the blind kind. - me GJ

Make a Merry Christmas

Make a Merry Christmas don't wish for one.

My Feelings on Christmas With My Folks

The following is a post I put up on FB and the exchange it led to. I was surprised what came out of me as I typed.
My status update: Rome NY has six inches of snow on the ground and it is 8 degrees. Woo hoo. I am so excited to spend Christmas with my mom and dad. Just typing this makes me emotional. I am so lucky to like my family.
My friends response: You better say that Garrett!! loving them is one thing but actually liking them?!! PRICELESS!!!
My response: It is a gift. Actually ...I made a choice. It wasn't magical. I choose to see my parents as imperfect people that deserve the same love and forgiveness that they have given me my whole life...emotions coming up again. This happens every time I go see them.
They are so important in my life. I have worked so hard to get over ALL the crap between me and my dad. It's nice to visit and know there won't be a fight instead of hope. I hope I can help others get to the same place some day Love ya.
I'm so grateful that I have been able to move on.

Thinker

I came to a kinda decision the other day. I looove thinking. I love trying to figure out people . I like to analyze peoples motives. I really enjoy interacting with people on an intellectual level. That isn't something I would have ever thought would interest me a few years ago.
I used to do things to stifle my thoughts. I didn't want to think I just wanted to exist and get through life. What a waste of my brain.
I don't know what kind of career I could have being a professional thinker. I need to figure it out because when I am thinking, debating , interacting with people it brings me joy. It fills up my soul. That's what I want my life to be about.
Now...how to move forward?

Something About the Country

Last week I had a dentist appointment out in Bowie Maryland. That is about 30 or 40 minutes from my house in DC. When I get about 20 minutes outside the city I get very emotional for some reason. This happens when I go out to see my brother in the suburbs and when I go to visit my parents. I thought it was because I was going to see family. But if it happened on the way to the dentist that doesn't add up.
I think part of it may be that I feel at home out in nature. Like this is the way we are supposed to live. With green fields and trees and mountains around us. Not stacked on top of each other living in the city. The other reason may be that I don't have a lot to be angry about when I get away from the city and am more in touch with my other emotions.
Don't get me wrong there is a lot of stimulation and beauty in the city too. But I think it may not be what my soul needs.
We all need a break from our routine. I never realized how much I needed it until I had somewhere to go.
Thank God my parents moved away....never thought I'd say that.

Gifts

I think gifts are to be given. Not asked for. -Me

Changing Papa

My brother and sister in law and their kids just paid my parents a visit last week. When I heard that they were staying in my parents house I got nervous. I wasn't sure how my dad would handle having kids staying in their house. I got an update this morning and am pleasantly surprised at my fathers behavior.
Let me be clear. I don think my dad is some kind of monster or something. But his patience level is not very high. At least it didn't used to be. Thank God he's changed.
I talked to him this morning. He told me how he took my niece for a ride by himself out into the wilderness to see some deer. He told me how he , my brother and his kids went out together while my mama and sister in law went to the mall. He told me that he played hide and seek with my niece and nephew. That blew me away.
That he was able to play a silly game with children and allow him self to have fun with it. I have no other words to describe it except it is heart warming.
I remember my dad being this way with me and my brother when we were younger. Those memories had kind of slipped to the back of my mind until he related this story to me today.
I am so grateful my parents decided to move away. We all seem to be much closer now that we aren't close enough to take seeing each other for granted.
Funny how something that seemed like the end of our family at the time to me has brought us closer together.

Holiday Decorating

I got an email from a friend describing the amount of time and effort involved in decorating her house for Christmas. It reminded me of the ordeal my mama and my brother and myself went through every year to make the house Christmasy.
I don't remember if we had a specific time when we got our tree every year but I know it was close to Thanksgiving. As soon as we got it, the mad dash to make everything perfect began. Getting the lights up was hard because we had to have the right amount of space between each strand of lights. Then the garland went on the tree. Evenly balanced as well. Then the decorations went on the tree. They were allowed to be put up in a random way as long as everything looked balanced. Then it was time for the icicles. I didn't participate in this part because it was to messy and unorganized. I had fun but it was always stressful.
A few years ago my mom found an old card that I had made for her for Christmas. It said " Merry Christmas. Hope you don't get a headache again this year." I don't remember consciously thinking my mama was stressed out but obviously I noticed.
Last year my parents gave a Christmas party for their neighbors. Now I don't live where they live now but I suspect that my mother went all out making sure everything was "perfect". She ended up stressing herself out and partially ruining her holiday.
My point here is that people need to remember the reason for Christmas. Or at least part of the reason. Is to be together. That's all that should really matter. Not what kind of tree or wreath or decorations or lights. Being with family.
I hope this can help keep other people from letting pressure for perfection ruin their holiday.
Don't hope for a Merry Christmas this year, make one!

Followers

When I first started blogging I had a few followers. I got more over the next few months and then one day a follower left. It left me in a funk for that whole day. I took it personally.
Now that I am doing videos as well as blogging I have many more followers. I check everyday to see if I got any new ones or if anyone left. I have to be careful with this.
I want people to follow my ideas and thoughts because they represent me. Not because I am saying what people want to hear. If that means I loose followers then I have to accept that and move on.

Filling a Void

I own a lot of video games, movies, and music. Its what I chose to waste my money on over the last few years. I had a friend ask me if I wanted to sell him some of my old games. It freaked me out. The idea of not having a lot of stuff around me makes me uncomfortable. All the more reason to let them go.
Why would selling things I barely even remember owning freak me out so much?
I think this is why we are supposed to be careful about being materialistic. Things are just things. They make me feel less alone.
I think people are supposed to fill that need. Not video games.

Connections

About 6 or 7 moths ago I had a client call me to let me know that she would not be coming in for a while because she had cancer. She was very upset and I did my best to reassure her and let her know Id be there for her if she needed me. I had only done her hair three or four times.
A few weeks ago she popped into my head for some reason. I went in to work a few days later and she had called to make an appointment. I wasn't really surprised. That kind of stuff has happened to me all of my life.
I believe we become connected to certain people in our lives for whatever reason. It sometimes seems random but I am sure there is something going on here. My mother and I have a connection like that. When she still lived in the area she would come over to visit and I would open the door before she knocked. She will call me sometimes to see if I am OK right when I need to talk to someone.
I don't understand it nor do I need to. I am just grateful for the connections.

Gamer

I've been a gamer for a long time. I always liked video games because they distract me. I have to concentrate hard enough on the games that I block out all of the thoughts that were in my head. I didn't know how else to shut my brain up.
Earlier this year I started blogging. Finally, I found something to do with all of this noise in my head. That's when I decided that I didn't want to be distracted anymore.
I'm finding that I like to try to understand why things happen and why people are who they are. I like to try to understand myself better. I like to think about MY opinion and how I see things. This desire to think isn't working with being a full time gamer.
The games kept me from thinking about the things I needed to be thinking about like my career, my addictions, and God.
I'm glad that I'm now using games as the distraction they were meant to be instead of them dominating my life.

Credit Cards

I had two things to pay for this week that I would have used a credit card to pay for in the past. Lenny had to go to the vet and I had to go to the dentist. Paying cash for both of those things was a painful experience. I hate spending cash on stuff like this. I thought about buying something on the card to bring balance to my universe. That's how the addict part of my brain works. I have to be constantly rewarded. Like a porpoise.

Usually I feel good for doing the right thing instead of the easy thing. I'm not there yet this time.

DAMN IT!