A client came in to get her hair done a few days ago and asked me hoe my Confirmation went I told her it was a beautiful ceremony but i was disappointed because I checked all the pictures taken that day and I saw no flame above my head.As the conversation continued I told her about some things that had changed since Confirmation.
I had been full of stress and anxiety since putting my dog to sleep and starting my new job. I didn't know what to do to change the way I felt. After the Chrism oil was put on my forehead during the Mass I felt a sense of peace come over me. Calm. I have only felt slight pangs of worry since then.
When I pray every morning i read the daily Mass from The Word Among Us. I now am inspired every morning to write things that are shown to me in the readings and prayers. This had happened once or twice before Confirmation. Now it happens daily.
I have been praying the Rosary since Lent. Over the last two days I have been able to recite the prayers of the Rosary while meditating on the mysteries of Christs life. In the past it was very difficult for me to do but over the last few days the meditation has flowed much more smoothly. I feel more involved I feel more of a connection to what I am meditating on.
As my friend said before she left, am I sure there was no flame?
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Simple House Experience
Today I spent part of my afternoon with a young man who is part of A Simple House. They are a group of Catholics who have made the decision to live among the poor with minimal material possessions They work in the community they live in by befriending and helping in various ways the people. My spiritual adviser suggested I get in touch with them and I'm glad he did.
I rode along with Ryan today as he went to the home of one of the people who they are friends with and are trying to help. I will not be sharing the details as I don't feel it would be appropriate to do so.I will say that it couldn't have gone better. It showed me what they do in a very real way. The experience touched my heart.
I did not expect, when I set up this "ride along", that I would really consider living this way. After seeing how they are able to help in ways that people who work regular 9 to 5 jobs couldn't I am more open to the idea then I'd have ever thought I would be.
I feel overwhelmed. There is so much going on in my head and heart I need time to process it. Thankfully I am off to a day long silent retreat tomorrow that will allow me to ponder. Listen to God.
I must tell you after leaving Ryan this afternoon the feeling that God is at work in this is very strong. There couldn't have been a more perfect situation for me to see today to help me understand what they are all about and what I might want out of my future.
Thank you spiritual adviser for recommending I check this group out. Thank you Holy Spirit for inspiring my spiritual adviser to make this recommendation. Thank you Lord for opening my heart and mind to possibilities I never would have considered 6 months ago.
http://www.asimplehouse.org/motivation.php#2
I rode along with Ryan today as he went to the home of one of the people who they are friends with and are trying to help. I will not be sharing the details as I don't feel it would be appropriate to do so.I will say that it couldn't have gone better. It showed me what they do in a very real way. The experience touched my heart.
I did not expect, when I set up this "ride along", that I would really consider living this way. After seeing how they are able to help in ways that people who work regular 9 to 5 jobs couldn't I am more open to the idea then I'd have ever thought I would be.
I feel overwhelmed. There is so much going on in my head and heart I need time to process it. Thankfully I am off to a day long silent retreat tomorrow that will allow me to ponder. Listen to God.
I must tell you after leaving Ryan this afternoon the feeling that God is at work in this is very strong. There couldn't have been a more perfect situation for me to see today to help me understand what they are all about and what I might want out of my future.
Thank you spiritual adviser for recommending I check this group out. Thank you Holy Spirit for inspiring my spiritual adviser to make this recommendation. Thank you Lord for opening my heart and mind to possibilities I never would have considered 6 months ago.
http://www.asimplehouse.org/motivation.php#2
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Withdrawing Into Self
The very essence of evil is withdrawing into ourselves. That line struck me recently as a friend of mine ad I struggle with burying ourselves in books. Burying ourselves in things that do not help us give ourselves to others.
Giving of ourselves is what God wants. Sitting in the house with our face in a book is not giving anything to others.
Being a Christian is an action. It is not a title.
The man who says isn't saved. The man who does is.
Words are empty in many cases. Actions aren't.
If I say I am an activist but never show up for a rally am I what I say I am? No.If I say I am a vegetarian and then eat meat am I a vegetarian? No.
Living the way is much more important then reading or talking about it. Gaining knowledge is important but not at the expense of action.
I am in no way saying knowledge is not important. Biblical study is important for our growth and communication with our Lord. But for some of us, the pursuit of it keeps us from living the way
Giving of ourselves is what God wants. Sitting in the house with our face in a book is not giving anything to others.
Being a Christian is an action. It is not a title.
The man who says isn't saved. The man who does is.
Words are empty in many cases. Actions aren't.
If I say I am an activist but never show up for a rally am I what I say I am? No.If I say I am a vegetarian and then eat meat am I a vegetarian? No.
Living the way is much more important then reading or talking about it. Gaining knowledge is important but not at the expense of action.
I am in no way saying knowledge is not important. Biblical study is important for our growth and communication with our Lord. But for some of us, the pursuit of it keeps us from living the way
Fill Er Up
Ever since being confirmed into the Catholic church last week I've felt...different. Not empty but uncomfortable. Disconnected from the world is how I described it in another post. Things that would have satisfied me a few weeks ago are now meaningless. Things that would have filled me up now leave me feeling...nothing.
While writing to my friend Doug a few minutes ago the Holy Spirit gave me the words to explain my feelings. "It's the feeling of wanting to be filled up even more with Him then I already am."
My mom sent me a page from Mere Christianity the other day that described us as being houses under renovation by God. We think we know what work needs to be done. We think God is just gonna fix us up a bit. But then He starts tearing out walls and changing things we didn't think needed fixing. We just wanted to be nicer houses and He wants to turn us into mansions.
I thought I was filled with the Lord. I thought I was as close to Him as I could get. I thought I knew what He had in store for my life. I've been shown, over the last month and a half, that I have no clue what He is doing in my house.
The only things that make me happy now are things that are centered around the Lord. I am happy about this and uncomfortable and unhappy at the same time.
Continue to pour yourself into my heart Lord. Fill me up with your grace.
I don't know what else to say.......
......I just reread my email and I think it says much better what I feel then this post does so here it is..." I was just confirmed into the Catholic church last weekend and since then I feel more and more drawn to completely immersing myself in God. I don't know exactly what that means but I can tell you this. Many of the worldly things from that I've made videos about over the last 4 years are irrelevant to me now. I just want to dive into serving Him in whatever way He wants me to do that.
I really don't have the words to describe what I feel. It isn't emptiness. It's the feeling of wanting to be filled up even more with Him then I already am. Well there...I guess I did have the words. "
While writing to my friend Doug a few minutes ago the Holy Spirit gave me the words to explain my feelings. "It's the feeling of wanting to be filled up even more with Him then I already am."
My mom sent me a page from Mere Christianity the other day that described us as being houses under renovation by God. We think we know what work needs to be done. We think God is just gonna fix us up a bit. But then He starts tearing out walls and changing things we didn't think needed fixing. We just wanted to be nicer houses and He wants to turn us into mansions.
I thought I was filled with the Lord. I thought I was as close to Him as I could get. I thought I knew what He had in store for my life. I've been shown, over the last month and a half, that I have no clue what He is doing in my house.
The only things that make me happy now are things that are centered around the Lord. I am happy about this and uncomfortable and unhappy at the same time.
Continue to pour yourself into my heart Lord. Fill me up with your grace.
I don't know what else to say.......
......I just reread my email and I think it says much better what I feel then this post does so here it is..." I was just confirmed into the Catholic church last weekend and since then I feel more and more drawn to completely immersing myself in God. I don't know exactly what that means but I can tell you this. Many of the worldly things from that I've made videos about over the last 4 years are irrelevant to me now. I just want to dive into serving Him in whatever way He wants me to do that.
I really don't have the words to describe what I feel. It isn't emptiness. It's the feeling of wanting to be filled up even more with Him then I already am. Well there...I guess I did have the words. "
Distracted By Eternity
I was listening to a song the other day that was talking about how much the performer couldn't wait to spend eternity with Jesus. Now we all look forward to that but what struck me was how this thought process can cause us to overlook the relationship with have with Him here and now. How we can be distracted by eternity
The line from the song, though I don't think it was intended this way, seemed to be saying just get me through this earthly life so I can get to my reward. I don't believe God intended our earthly lives to be a kind of reality TV show where we are just going through the motions hoping to get the prize at the end. He wants us to live our lives. To enjoy what He has given us on earth that is Holy and good. To help our fellow man. To serve Him and one another.
He wants to be with us daily. Walk with us. Guide us. Help us make decisions. Sit and listen to us and have us take the time to listen to Him.
Our relationship should be ongoing with Him.
Help me to remember you are right here with me Lord.
Help me live for the present while keeping my eye on eternity.
The line from the song, though I don't think it was intended this way, seemed to be saying just get me through this earthly life so I can get to my reward. I don't believe God intended our earthly lives to be a kind of reality TV show where we are just going through the motions hoping to get the prize at the end. He wants us to live our lives. To enjoy what He has given us on earth that is Holy and good. To help our fellow man. To serve Him and one another.
He wants to be with us daily. Walk with us. Guide us. Help us make decisions. Sit and listen to us and have us take the time to listen to Him.
Our relationship should be ongoing with Him.
Help me to remember you are right here with me Lord.
Help me live for the present while keeping my eye on eternity.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Choosing Barrabas
The title of this post may not make sense at first but just stick with me and it will.
SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT!
Last night while reading the Bible I began to become aroused. Not by anything in the Bible. My mind started to wander and it wandered into temptation. I put the Bible down and was going to give in to my desires. I thought to myself I need to get up and exercise. The arousal did not dissipate. As I continued exercising the Holy Spirit spoke to me. He said Satan can not get to you right now through sadness or despair like he has over the last couple weeks so he is falling back on old faithful lust. As this came to me I smiled and the arousal and lust faded.
Later last night I was praying the Rosary with a new set of guidelines on what to meditate on during the prayers. Not really guidelines but Bible versus. As I meditated on the scourging of Christ the Bible verse was Mark 15:15 "Pilate, wishing to satisfy the crowd, released for them Barabbas...". They chose Barrabas over Christ. The crowd made a conscious choice of this man over the Son of God. Every time we chose sin over Christ we are making the same choice. Christ suffers every time we make this choice.
This morning I woke to sexual temptation again. I was tempted to give in so I got up and got in the shower. While showering the thought kept going through my mind that if I chose to give in to lust I was choosing sin over my relationship with Christ. I, like the crowd, would be choosing Barrabas over Jesus. Again, a smile came to my face and I knew what choice I would be making.
Thank you Holy Spirit for giving me yet another tool in the struggle against sin.
SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT!
Last night while reading the Bible I began to become aroused. Not by anything in the Bible. My mind started to wander and it wandered into temptation. I put the Bible down and was going to give in to my desires. I thought to myself I need to get up and exercise. The arousal did not dissipate. As I continued exercising the Holy Spirit spoke to me. He said Satan can not get to you right now through sadness or despair like he has over the last couple weeks so he is falling back on old faithful lust. As this came to me I smiled and the arousal and lust faded.
Later last night I was praying the Rosary with a new set of guidelines on what to meditate on during the prayers. Not really guidelines but Bible versus. As I meditated on the scourging of Christ the Bible verse was Mark 15:15 "Pilate, wishing to satisfy the crowd, released for them Barabbas...". They chose Barrabas over Christ. The crowd made a conscious choice of this man over the Son of God. Every time we chose sin over Christ we are making the same choice. Christ suffers every time we make this choice.
This morning I woke to sexual temptation again. I was tempted to give in so I got up and got in the shower. While showering the thought kept going through my mind that if I chose to give in to lust I was choosing sin over my relationship with Christ. I, like the crowd, would be choosing Barrabas over Jesus. Again, a smile came to my face and I knew what choice I would be making.
Thank you Holy Spirit for giving me yet another tool in the struggle against sin.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Rainy Days Are Necessary
When life is pouring down on me this is difficult to remember but I believe it to be the truth.
No growth comes without rain. Without storms. If there was no rain the ground would be barren. There would be no lush growth. No trees or flowers. No birds or animals.Storms bring destruction during them but afterwards there is always new growth afterward.
I remember seeing a nature documentary where they showed a huge old tree that was dying get blown over during a storm.It may have actually just fallen over but for the sake of this post we will say it was during a storm. It ripped down everything around it as it fell. As soon as the sun reached the ground that used to be shaded by the tree all sorts of new life started popping up.
We all go through very rough difficult things. While they are happening we can feel hopeless. Like the destruction caused by them can never be overcome. But with time new growth occurs.It is sometimes slow. So slow it is imperceptible to us. But it is happening.
I trust that there is a lot of growth going on right now for me though I am having a difficult time seeing it. I do know that God is with me. He promised that and He keeps His word.
No growth comes without rain. Without storms. If there was no rain the ground would be barren. There would be no lush growth. No trees or flowers. No birds or animals.Storms bring destruction during them but afterwards there is always new growth afterward.
I remember seeing a nature documentary where they showed a huge old tree that was dying get blown over during a storm.It may have actually just fallen over but for the sake of this post we will say it was during a storm. It ripped down everything around it as it fell. As soon as the sun reached the ground that used to be shaded by the tree all sorts of new life started popping up.
We all go through very rough difficult things. While they are happening we can feel hopeless. Like the destruction caused by them can never be overcome. But with time new growth occurs.It is sometimes slow. So slow it is imperceptible to us. But it is happening.
I trust that there is a lot of growth going on right now for me though I am having a difficult time seeing it. I do know that God is with me. He promised that and He keeps His word.
I Needed This...
Thank you to my friend Logan for sending this to me tonight. I needed to hear this.
So beautiful.
Thank you Lord for loving me just as I am even though I don't love myself sometimes.
Help me to remember that You are leading me.
You are in control.
You will NOT lead me astray.
You will NOT leave me alone.
You will NOT abandon me.
There is light at the end of this tunnel.
You DO have a plan though I don't.
Thank you Lord!
So beautiful.
Thank you Lord for loving me just as I am even though I don't love myself sometimes.
Help me to remember that You are leading me.
You are in control.
You will NOT lead me astray.
You will NOT leave me alone.
You will NOT abandon me.
There is light at the end of this tunnel.
You DO have a plan though I don't.
Thank you Lord!
Disconnect From The World
I have been praying a prayer for quite some time now. Part of it says "separate me from the things of this world". My request has been granted and now I don't know what to do.
Nothing that used to interest me does anymore. TV, video games, movies, YouTube. None of it. When I was in church last Sunday after Conformation I felt like I just wanted to stay there. To be in the church. I feel like that is what I need.
I said, after my job ended, that If it weren't for having Lenny to take care of I would just go away for a while and be quiet. And be peaceful. As I write this I get very emotional.
He is gone now. I have the opportunity to go away. To be away. But I'm afraid to take that leap.
I feel obligated to help the people who write to me for help on the internet. That if I don't respond to them they will not have anyone to help them. But if I need to go away from this to be able to do greater things down the road then that may just be what I have to do.
I have cut away everything that was holding me back from completely serving God. The last lovable thing holding me was my dog and now that I truly am free to make the decision to serve my God and focus on Him I am freaking out!
As I prayed a few weeks ago over and over "help me to want what You want" I heard in my heart and soul "take the leap".
I will Lord. Please just show me where to leap to.
Nothing that used to interest me does anymore. TV, video games, movies, YouTube. None of it. When I was in church last Sunday after Conformation I felt like I just wanted to stay there. To be in the church. I feel like that is what I need.
I said, after my job ended, that If it weren't for having Lenny to take care of I would just go away for a while and be quiet. And be peaceful. As I write this I get very emotional.
He is gone now. I have the opportunity to go away. To be away. But I'm afraid to take that leap.
I feel obligated to help the people who write to me for help on the internet. That if I don't respond to them they will not have anyone to help them. But if I need to go away from this to be able to do greater things down the road then that may just be what I have to do.
I have cut away everything that was holding me back from completely serving God. The last lovable thing holding me was my dog and now that I truly am free to make the decision to serve my God and focus on Him I am freaking out!
As I prayed a few weeks ago over and over "help me to want what You want" I heard in my heart and soul "take the leap".
I will Lord. Please just show me where to leap to.
Home Shopping WTH?
This is one of many things that is showing me something is very off in my life right now.The only thing I can stand to watch on TV right now is QVC. I have no desire to buy anything but it is something that is completely devoid of meaning. Is not intellectually stimulating at all. I feel like I want to fill myself with meaningless things. This is something I used to do when I was high and I didn't want to think.
After about 10 minutes QVC too starts to irritate me so I then turn to the internet.
I go and look at my video comments and have no desire to communicate, in general, with my subscribers on YouTube which is something I have enjoyed for quite sometime.
I just sit here and go back and forth between the two of them feeling completely dissatisfied.
My dad asked me today how much time am I spending reading and I felt embarrassed. I have not really read much since my job closed and Lenny died. I keep saying I don't have the time but the time I do have I just sit here. Doing nothing...wasting time.
I feel lost. Nothing seems to bring mew any happiness. Any joy.
This weekend was my Confirmation which I have been looking forward to for quite a while and I felt nothing. As I drove home from the celebration my brother and his family had for me I felt empty.
I feel like I am in limbo. Like everything that has been going on has just stopped. I intellectually know this is not the case but that's how I feel.
The theme for my celebration was "one step closer" which I interpreted as one step closer to God after my conformation but I feel further away from Him then I have in a long time.
I need a break.
After about 10 minutes QVC too starts to irritate me so I then turn to the internet.
I go and look at my video comments and have no desire to communicate, in general, with my subscribers on YouTube which is something I have enjoyed for quite sometime.
I just sit here and go back and forth between the two of them feeling completely dissatisfied.
My dad asked me today how much time am I spending reading and I felt embarrassed. I have not really read much since my job closed and Lenny died. I keep saying I don't have the time but the time I do have I just sit here. Doing nothing...wasting time.
I feel lost. Nothing seems to bring mew any happiness. Any joy.
This weekend was my Confirmation which I have been looking forward to for quite a while and I felt nothing. As I drove home from the celebration my brother and his family had for me I felt empty.
I feel like I am in limbo. Like everything that has been going on has just stopped. I intellectually know this is not the case but that's how I feel.
The theme for my celebration was "one step closer" which I interpreted as one step closer to God after my conformation but I feel further away from Him then I have in a long time.
I need a break.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thrown Off
I feel completely off my game so to speak.
Before my job ended everything seemed to be track to leading me to a whole new life. Since the shop has closed I feel like everything in my life has been turned upside down.
I have little desire to read, pray, grow, communicate or do any of the other things that helped me feel I was on the right track towards changing my life.
I feel irritated. Pissed off. Honestly I feel like F*** it all!
Makes me sad and angry to say this but I know putting it down here and out into the air will help me.
I want my old life back! I want Lenny back and my old job where I had time to study and pray. I want things to be the way they used to be.
I feel I am backed into a corner and I have no idea what to do about it. What I thought I wanted I am now unsure if I will ever get and what I have I know I don't want.
I don't know how to move forward. My mind is so confused.
I knew I wanted to change things for a long time but didn't take any steps to do so and now I have to make a decision that either way is gonna make more changes in my life when I've barely begun to adjust to what has changed in the last month.
I look forward to the day of silence next week and getting a week long break as soon as possible.
Before my job ended everything seemed to be track to leading me to a whole new life. Since the shop has closed I feel like everything in my life has been turned upside down.
I have little desire to read, pray, grow, communicate or do any of the other things that helped me feel I was on the right track towards changing my life.
I feel irritated. Pissed off. Honestly I feel like F*** it all!
Makes me sad and angry to say this but I know putting it down here and out into the air will help me.
I want my old life back! I want Lenny back and my old job where I had time to study and pray. I want things to be the way they used to be.
I feel I am backed into a corner and I have no idea what to do about it. What I thought I wanted I am now unsure if I will ever get and what I have I know I don't want.
I don't know how to move forward. My mind is so confused.
I knew I wanted to change things for a long time but didn't take any steps to do so and now I have to make a decision that either way is gonna make more changes in my life when I've barely begun to adjust to what has changed in the last month.
I look forward to the day of silence next week and getting a week long break as soon as possible.
Monday, May 13, 2013
The Journey Continues
After a wonderful Confirmation Mass yesterday I am continuing on with my journey this morning. Heading out to meet with a man from Catholic Charities. He will be giving me guidance on what I need to do as far as education to put myself in a better position to serve.
After this I will be going to lunch with a new friend. This is the first time I've had lunch or any kind of social interaction with someone outside of my immediate family or long time friends since...I can't remember when.
This afternoon I am going to pick up Lenny's ashes. This is a big part of my healing process. Dealing with his remains.
And finally, this evening I have a class at my church that helps people find jobs that also serve our Lord. So a day book ended with new guidance on my future path. Guidance from our Lord.
So much happening so quickly and I am grateful for it. I am at a crossroads in my life. I am at the fork in the road. I have to make a decision which path I am gonna take.
After this I will be going to lunch with a new friend. This is the first time I've had lunch or any kind of social interaction with someone outside of my immediate family or long time friends since...I can't remember when.
This afternoon I am going to pick up Lenny's ashes. This is a big part of my healing process. Dealing with his remains.
And finally, this evening I have a class at my church that helps people find jobs that also serve our Lord. So a day book ended with new guidance on my future path. Guidance from our Lord.
So much happening so quickly and I am grateful for it. I am at a crossroads in my life. I am at the fork in the road. I have to make a decision which path I am gonna take.
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