Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Men Rise Up

Masculinity/not feeling like a man is something that I have struggled with for much of my life for many reasons. Some of the reasons include being told I wasn't a man, and/or that I was more like a women, by many piers. Not thinking I matched up with the images of "real men" I saw in the media. Feeling detached from the men in my family. Being rejected by many of the other boys my age in elementary, middle, and high school. This feeling of not being a man combined with puberty led me into being attracted to the same sex and, in my early twenties, living the gay lifestyle.
After many years of therapy, and returning to the Catholic Church,  my desire to live as the man that I've always wanted to be, subconsciously, has brought me to the point i am at now. The point of not just wishing I could live as a man but being willing to take the steps necessary to make this a reality.
On Monday I started a 30 day program called Men Rise Up. I will share, over the next 30 days, what this program does for me. What I am confronted and challenged with.
Many of my problems revolve around living like a boy much of my adult life. Not taking responsibility for myself. Not being a father in any way to anyone. Not giving myself. No sacrifice. Just self focus, self reliance, and denial that I am supposed to be anything more then what I was living as. An old boy.
The growing up began 7 years ago when I was freed from marijuana addiction. It's time for the next step...s.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Struggling with Fatherhood

I write this from my man cave. The office at my salon. My escape from spiritual fatherhood. 
I do not have biological children. I don't know if I ever will. So God has given me spiritual children. And I find them very difficult to deal with sometimes. 
Many of the people I work with behave like children. If I say something to them they don't like they pout for days/weeks. I have to repeat the same request over and over again. I have to deal with people who don't like the way someone looks at them or don't like the way someone talks to them. People who don't seem to understand that the business cannot revolve around there personal lives and problems.
I sometimes wish they were my biological children. At least then I'd have the option of smacking them!(Joke)
I ask myself frequently do I really want to be a man? Do I want to be a leader? Do I want to be who, I believe, Christ has called me to be? I say yes through clenched teeth.
I've run away from discomfort and difficulty most of my life and have lived a spiritually stunted life as a result. I don't want to be a mini me anymore! I want to be the man that mini me is holding back! Lord Jesus help me. Mother Mary pray for me. Saint Joseph pray for me. Mother Angelica pray for me.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

In the Wake of Courage

As I described, in my last post, on a recent flight, I noticed the wake from a ship in the river below. How far reaching the waves from the wake emanated out into the river. How the great impact of the wake could not possibly be seen from the back of the ship.
After posting, I started thinking about the wake that the Courage Apostolate is leaving behind. Courage is the Apostolate for men and women experiencing same-sex attraction in the Roman Catholic Church. I am not in a position to know exactly how many men and women are part of the Apostolate, or how many priests, deacons, and bishops are involved as Chaplins but I feel comfortable saying that we are a tiny ship in a large secularized river.
Many of our meetings only have a few members and , in some cases, those meetings are once or twice a month. Our annual conference usually has between 350 to 500 people in attendance. Many of our brothers and sisters in the community struggle to follow the teachings of Christ and His Church and resist the lure of the world. Many religious leaders, and lay brothers and sisters, within the Church do not support how we live. From the back of the Courage ship it may appear we are not having a huge impact on the world we live in. Appearances can be deceiving.
The Courage ship is moving against the current. Against the current of relativism and the distortion of the gift of human sexuality. Just the fact that our ship is in the river is making huge waves. That we exist makes ripples. Whether we choose to live openly and speak to others about our same-sex attraction or if we live out our striving for chastely in privacy, we have an impact. Adam and Eve's sin tainted all of humanity. To think that virtuous living does not likewise impact the world around us is shortsighted.
We may not see an immediate effect on individuals, or the world, as a result of the way we live. We may not recognize the impact our personal witness has on those we speak to or those we live with. We may not live long enough, as individuals, to see how far out the wake behind us spreads and how the wake impacts the world we live in but the Courage Apostolate is having an impact.
Stay strong brothers and sisters! No matter how many times we may fall in the river we sail in get back on the ship and keep making virtuous waves by God's grace.
Virgin Most Powerful, Mother Angelica, and Fr. Harvey please pray for us.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Airplane View

As I traveled to RI to speak on Tuesday morning I looked out the window of the plane and saw a ship in the water below. From our elevation, I could clearly see how long and wide the wake was from the ships engines and how it spread through the body of water it was traveling in. I thought that a person on board the boat looking behind the ship would not know the impact they were having on,or how far their influence was spreading in, the waters they traveled in. 
When I arrived at the airport to fly home my flight was delayed...delayed...cancelled. I was a bit frustrated but chose to allow myself to relax and read rather then fret and worry.
I boarded my flight home and settled into my seat with the Liturgy of the Hours, to pray on the way home, and a book by Mother Angelica to fill the rest of the time.
The gentleman sitting next to me struck up a conversation by asking what brought me to Rhode Island. I told him I was there to share my personal testimony and also to speak about some of the Church's teachings. This turned into a conversation that lasted the entire flight home. Several times, as he asked me questions about my testimony and about the Catholic Church, I purposely stopped talking to be sure I wasn't pushing anything on him. He continued to ask questions until we pulled up to the gate.
I noticed, during the flight, a few of the people around us turning and looking at us. It wasn't until we were close to landing that I realized, in an effort to be heard over the sound of the engines, I may have been speaking rather loudly. At least loud enough for the people immediately around me to hear the conversation.
As I wrote about this after arriving home i again thought of the ship's wake. Spreading out over time. No one on board knowing the impact they were having on the waters they traveled in.
Thank you Lord.

Sunday, May 14, 2017


Pornography, same sex intercourse and masturbation are the gall satan offers us who carry the cross of homosexuality to ease our pain. Help us to refuse the gall as you did Jesus. Help us to embrace our cross and carry it chastely.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Father Wound

I share to help... While visiting my parents for Christmas I struggled to get along with my dad. He was not doing anything to trigger my anger. 
The past still lives in me and just being around him can stir up anger. 
When I arrived he got up to greet me with a big smile on his face. He gave me a big hug and kissed me on my cheek. The kiss still catches me off guard. 
As we sat after I unpacked he told me a couple times how happy he was to have there.
Over the next few days he told me again how happy he was to have me there.
We went out to dinner one night and he told me that my relationship with him is one of the most important things in his life. Relationship...we have a relationship.
When he says these things to me I feel a mixture of anger and a numbness.
 Instead of allowing his love into my heart my defenses go up.
The last day I was there I told my mom how difficult it is for my to even look at him sometimes.
The morning i left I sat down to put on my shoes and my mom spoke what I needed to have spoken to my heart.
She told me that she got upset with my granddad once when my grandma was ill and my grandma asked her "what do you want from him?" This hit me hard. I had written the same question in my journal the night before.
What do I want from him? I want the relationship I have with my mom to be the relationship I have with him. I want him to be who I want him to be rather then being happy with who he is. He told me once that he never tried to change me. He always accepted me. This is a truth that I am just now starting to see clearly.
She then said " I hope you do not spend the rest of your life trying to get something out of him he can not give you." She began to cry as did I. Cry for both my dad and I. Cry over an imperfect loving father who does the best he can and it's not good enough. Cry over a son who lives always wanting more. Always disappointed. Angry because my dad is imperfect.
In hindsight, I see the immaturity in my behavior. Giving one word answers when he tries to talk to me. Being cold. Helping him begrudgingly. Withholding my love and affection. Punishing him for the past.
A few years ago I prayed and asked God to fix the relationship with my dad. Since then my father shows me the affection I always wanted to receive from him but he didn't know how to give and I didn't know how to recognize or receive. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he's proud of me as a son. He's proud of the man that I am.
Accepting my dad as he is is a life altering concept. If I accept him as he is I think I will better accept myself as I am and others as they are.
Thank you Lord for all you are doing to heal me and my dad. Thank You for speaking through my mother. Thank You for teaching me to love and receive love. Keep our hearts open. I ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ's holy name, AMEN!

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Sanctify Yourself

"Sanctify yourself and you will sanctify society"- St. Francis of Assisi
"Pope John Paul 2 challenges us to consider "since baptism is a true entry into the holiness of God through incorporation into Christ and the indwelling of His spirit, it would be a contradiction to settle for a life of mediocrity, marked by a minimalist ethic and a shallow religiosity...'Do you wish to become holy?' It means to set before you the radical nature of the Sermon on the Mount: 'Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect' (Mat 5:48)."